My mom

You see, I am here in the room 1327 at the White County Medical Center in Searcy, Arkansas, United States of America. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. You know, looking at her, I think of my mom. Of course. Because I am such a mommy-girl that can’t get over her mom. I mentioned in my previous journal that my host mom has a face of love. So does my mom. Honestly, my mom has a face of love and pain-both physical and emotional pain in her life. She is also a preacher’s wife. A good one, I consider, because she really did everything she could for the church. She drove the bus for people to get picked up, cooked for lunch, cleaned the church, and led the children’s ministry all by herself. There was no one who stepped up to help her. Even my dad who was the preacher and her husband did not volunteer himself or others in the church to help her. Yes, bless her heart. But I believe she has an unbelievable amount of treasures in heaven stored under her name. She went through so much. I bet she gave others hard time, too, but she is rather child-spirited, dependent, and soft so she got emotionally hurt by others a lot. A LOT. You know people in today’s society. Just as rotten as ever. Always try to take advantage of others and seek their own benefits and gains but never really care for others. At least those my mom worked with were the kind. There are so much to say, I feel as if, about my mom. Now, she is diagnosed with glaucoma far developed and her retinas almost dead. I blame the stupid doctor who misdiagnosed her years ago but what will blame do? Nothing. It does not push the time back. It does nothing but resent. O I was going off the point. Anyway, looking at my host mom in pain in the hospital bed, I was reminded of my mom. Well, my mom is not in the hospital bed, first. And she does not have hoses all over her or through her. I do not know why. Well, I guess I do know why. I am extremely, hyper-sensitively aware of my mom’s pain and incredibly scared whether something will happen to her. She is going almost blind. Who knows when she will be completely blind and something will happen to her? I just am really scared for my mom. I’ve had so many nightmares about her in pain, going to ER, dying, or even getting beat up some men. Those are the indications that I am scared of my mom being in pain. And that may be the main reason I’ve decided to go home. It may be a mistake. I may be making emotional decision like others say. However, I just feel like this is the only and the last time for me. The only and the last time for what? I do not know. I do not know whether it is for me to be able to take care of my mom because I will be super busy after college trying to get into grad school and get a job. I do not know whether it is for me to just go to Korea as my home country. I do not know. But I just feel like it is either this time or never. I feel like I’ve got to go. Did God put this desire in my heart or what? I am not really sure, frankly. It is very hard to tell the difference between the desire of my own and the desire from God because they are both desires in my heart. But yesterday, I was trying to have some fellowship time with God, and I had encounter with God, that I can say for sure. He consoled me and told me that everything will go all right because He loves me. Satan tries to put me down because He loves me so much and Satan just can’t freakin’ stand that. And then, He said, “Jin, go home. Go home and be with your mom.” I do not think his desire for me to go home is not only to be with my mom but I feel as if he is giving me permission to use my mom as an excuse for me to go home because she is one of the reasons but the only one. I do not know what God will do with me in Korea now. Honestly, I may have worse depression. I may have worse relationship with my parents. I may lose my English. I may not have true friends like the ones I have here. I won’t have DGR in Korea for sure. But those may be worse situations can be also flipped to the other side and be may be better situations. But only in God’s purpose and plan. Only in His plan, everything works out and stays the same. I will continue to pray to God to use me and to give me answers to my questions. But right now, I feel like I am certain that God wants and permits me to go home and be with my parents. I want to go home. Because it is home where I have my parents. Because it is my home. Because home is where everyone wants to go.