Rainyday Wednesday

Allison, my host sister, came home last night. The house has, ever since, been a little bit more crowded and filled with more talks and laughters. Which is good. :) My host mom is now one happy camper with her favoritest daughter home. Not that she had been depressed and all blue, but I can tell how she is now talking with more excited tone. It is hard to explain but there's just this atmosphere of love that surrounds her. Love for her own child. You know, parents. I've never felt this way. Past three years I have been living in this house, I felt nothing about seeing parents getting excited about their child coming home from a blood-sucking college. But it feels different this time. I feel this surge of wanting to go home. Go home and see my parents. Thanksgivings, Christmases, and other holidays never really made me homesick. (I have been homesick before but not for the holiday reason) But this time, my emotions are going super peculiar. I don't even know how to explain. But anyway, it is good to see Allison! :)

We went to IHOP for breakfast this morning. On the way to ihop, it was raining. I normally get depressed and all grossed out. But today, this rainyday Wednesday, I felt good about rain. Who would've thought I would welcome rain? But this morning, I surely did. I enjoyed the sound of the rain. I enjoyed looking at the window the rain was dripping on. I enjoyed the gloom. I enjoyed the chill. I enjoyed it all. And then I thought, "Maybe I should move to London where it rains and is depressing a lot of time?" Hmmm..

Cold Cold Ground

Hey yo!
I am at this coffee place at Harding called Midnight Oil. and I am sipping on this amazing drink called "cold cold ground". It is a shake with ground bean(?). It is so good: sweetness of ice cream with a slight bitterness of ground coffe bean. YESSSS!

Ughghghghghghggh, I am so unmotivated right now. I do not want to do my work. I do not want to do anything. All I want to do is drink coffee and sleep. and watch movies. and play piano. I am not that responsible, I guess. haha ;)

alskejktjlkqhwetiaisejfasdlf,cm,sjgtijteifjrksajfdkajdfkweajhgkfdjsakfkjeweithaiehsdgkjanmnvczngvkahdfasfjaklwjethasdgiakjnvzmcjzhvjdahugawhegauehruashwaehruhwquewiqwurhajsdhgjbzjxcfjsadhfuewfhbsdhfawfeygsdhrjgaehygawneufdsadnfjasfdahsfjhawuierhawejfdhajsdfhkasjdfhauiwehtjadbgjasdfka

This is how I feel right now.

Clair De Lune by Claude Debussy

I am listening to "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. What a beautiful song. It just comforts and relaxes my troubled mind. I wonder what Debussy was thinking or feeling when he wrote the song. I wonder what kind of life he had that inspired him to write such a great song. I tried to find the sheet music for this. I found one. and I looked at it. Oh boy, it looks a lot harder than it sounds. Geeeeez. ;)

My life has been pretty hectic. Ever since I wrote the last blog, visitation for social club (aka Christian sorority lol) and pledge week came and just devoured all my time. and then I was bombarded with all those tests and assignments. Yeah, pretty ordinary, though. My schedule looks ordinary but I am not sure if I feel ordinary. I mean, I am an ordinary person. shorter than average height and minority here in the US. but I am an ordinary girl with a heart that longs to find love. A heart that seeks something more than what the world seems to hold.

My feelings have been unusual-I can't quite describe it. I can't even say they are good or bad feelings. They are just wierd and ... weary. They are constantly nagging, feeding up on, and wearing me out. I am just hoping somewehre over the rainbow, way up high, there would be the light of hope that I have been crying out for. I am hoping for hope. Hoping to find hope. Because when I hope, it's more like crying out, begging, seeking, and craving to death. to death.

There is a blue bird of happiness named Jake. Jake is in a perfect environment. Good family, good friends, good God, and just a good environment that God has put him in. He does not have the filthy wealth that shows up on a piece of colorful magazine paper that Satan uses to lie to people. He does not have the beauty that would show up on a digital TV screen. but He is much blessed, loved, and cared by so many good souls. and even by God, he is just so loved. He does not deserve to complain about anything. Jake, however, is hungry for something. He is thirsty and hungry. He longs for something. He seeks for something that he can't quite figure out what it is. Everything seems blurry and uncomforting to him. Everything seems 50 degrees-not too hot or cold but just lukewarm. Jake feels empty. His heart is heavy but it's all empty that cold winter breeze goes right through it and makes his heart cold. His heart is burning hot but cold. He tries to fill it up. this empty hole, gap that is in him. Jake eats. He eats everything edible he sees. He drinks water from the river. He munches on the bread crumbs on the street. Jake just keeps eating and eating and eating. Then what. He explodes. Everything Jake drank and ate overwhelmed him. He was full. Too full that he could not hold anymore. Jake filled it up. He filled his emptiness in himself up. He filled it up too much that it exploded. Jake just lays on the edge of the street, in the cold winter air, bleeding to death and barely breathing. Jake takes the last breathe and his soul just flies away. There his heart lays on the street. Hot but cold. and empty.