quotes, quotes, and more quotes!

OKAY! I think I am just gonna update my blog once a month. fashionably lazy. okay, just kidding. but I really have been lazy and turned my back on updating my blog. it has been in the most back of my mind. I just got so much going-like 19-page research proposal? heck yeah. but anyway, I got some things to say. but to make the list of the posts of my blog look better, I am going to break it into several and write them! and on this post, I am going to write a few quotes that touched my HEART.

Okay, so I was at midnight oil yesterday morning because my awesome social club DGR meets for a morning devo at midnight oil on every Tuesday! Haha! so i went yesterday, and this awesome devo director (Meghan Connors) shared a scripture with us that I've never read or maybe I've read but didn't get the significance of it. and when she explained how much of an impact that scripture has had on her, it just woke me up. OMGosh. Okay so the scripture is found in PSALM 17:8 - "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings" ... Do you get it? So the explanation Meghan gave was that the apple of your eye is the reflection of your pupils on God's eyes and the reflection of God's pupils on your eyes. which means that God is that close to you, watching you super close. He is in the most intimate distance anyone ever could grasp. Think about it. Dudes, PICTURE it. God's right there in front of you. and you see your pupils in God's eyes. and your eyes have God's pupils!!!!!-not literally, but in terms of reflection. That just makes me feel so secured, safe, protected, and also way more self-aware! You know, we do things we know we should not do because we often forget that God is right there watching us. but when we know that God is so close to us that he sees the apple of his eye in our eyes and we see the apple of our eyes in His eyes, we become more aware of what we think and do. What a sweet, powerful warning! and He hides us in the shadow of His wings? How comforting is that? I mean, the world is corrupted and dirty because of satan trying to make us turn our back against God. but He is there watching us constantly and protecting us in the SHADOW OF HIS WINGS. That is the most awesome, powerful, magificent, securing place ever. ever. and ever. ...... and ever. Haha!

Okay, and the next two are both quoted by this cop in Searcy named David Drennan. First one is this: "I don't want to be known as something I've done on earth. I want to be known as something I've done for God." How humbling is that. We often think about how we will be remember after we physically disappear in this earthly world. and we hope to leave legacy for the most intelligent, rich, pretty, capable of our job. but the thing is, that's not the point. the point in here is what God wants us to do. the ultimate goal of our earthly existence. that should be what we are known for after we go meet Jesus in heaven. that just humbles me so much.
and the second one: "The person no one would stop for is the one you should stop for." that statement just made me so guilty of all the judgments and prejudice I had on other people that are not like me. people who like things I don't. people who behave in a way that I can't quite understand. people who dress the way I would not dress. people who talk the way I would not talk. why did I say they were freaks, creepers, losers, odd balls, and weirdos? I mean, I am not that mean outside. but I secretly, internally weirded them out(?) and drew a line between them and me. and that is not what I should do. I should be the one calling for equality between each individuals with different likes, dislikes, interests, passions, and preferences! but anyway, that was a good inspirational quote to make me realize how much we all need to be reaching out. We don't have hands just to grab chicken biscuits. We don't have mouths just to put the chicken biscuits in, chew, and swallow. We don't have eyes to pick out which chicken biscuit is more delicious. We don't have minds just do desire for some chicken biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have hands to be the helping hands for the outsiders. We have mouths to spread the good news to the outsiders. We have eyes to seek out for the outsiders. and We have minds to have compassion for the outsiders. Yay for the purposes of all parts of our bodies, minds, souls, and lives!

and there was another quote I absolutely ADORED with all my heart. and it is not by Haley Rogers. but it is handed to me by Haley Rogers. and the quote is at home. so I will just update my blog once more! yayyyyyyyy!

Okay, Peace Out.

I came back to the real world.

Salut! Okay, it has been a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally loooooooooooooooong, foreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever ever since I blogged. I am so sorry! Please forgive me! I can't quite promise that I will blog so often during the new semester but I promise that I won't abandon it. I have been abandoning it, to be frankly honsest. So what's been going on? Doing all right? Well, let me tell you how I've been doing!

Okay, so where did i leave off? Well, I don't really know. I got pretty good final grades except Western Civ. class that gave me a shameful C. The Kleins' courses(I took the couple for two of my classes) are my GPA killer. I can't blame them though because I am the one that didn't try hard enough with the low level of intelligence. Should have been more careful. Daang it! Okay, so finals ended. and then the great christmas break started! Wanna know my plans that did not work out? That's kind of my life. I plan things with an excitement for new adventures and life experiences and then all the plans somehow just can't work themselves out. and I have to just sit in the spot, not moving on. Anyway, so I had two plans. From Jan. 20-Jan.23, there was like a revival? type of thing for the Korean students in the States. Make sense? It was like a mission conference for Korean students who go to school in the States like me. and I was like, "OMGosh!" and I looked at how I could juggle my flights, and I had some mileage on my American Airline account (because I fly back and forth-how many miles? who knows). so I wanted to use the mileages for the tickets and then all I have to pay is the signup fee for the conference, which was, as I remember, about 170 dollars. But hey, it was in San Diego, CA. How awesome is that? BUT I don't have enough mileage for the round-trip ticket so I had pay for either going or coming back. and with the flight ticket cost added to the conference fee, it was gonna be like 400-500 dollars. RIDICULOUS. I couldn't go. and the second plan? it was the trip to Chicago I was telling everyone about before christmas break started off. I somehow just love Chicago even though I've never been to the city. I've looked at the pictures, places, schools, papers written from Chicagoan journalists. I've applied to a college in Chicago. yeah the school wasn't really in God's plan for me. but anyway, so I was soooooooooo pumped about the trip to Chicago. But my host dad's aunt whose house we were gonna stay at fell and broke her hips. Sooooooo yeah, the trip did not work out. I sure hope that the aunt gets better. I think she is getting better from what I hear. but not sure. so yeah, with all the plans unworked out, I stayed in Searcy for the break. I went to OKC for a night and went to places there-it was really cool. that was something I did, I guess. and I had a 2-night trip to Little Rock. During the days I was in Little Rock, I went walking to the pedestrian bridge, went hiking to the Pinnacle mountain, watched a lot of movies, and rode on a HARLEY DAVIDSON bike! I love Harley's! Baahahahahaahaaahahaaahah, imagine me wearing a heavy black leather jacket riding on a motorcycle. well not driving but still riding. whatever.

and little things I did over the break? I planned to read 3-4 books but read only one: "The Shack". It was sooooooooo good. It made me look at the characteristics of God a bit differently. Every time I opened the book and read it, I cried. You know, over the last semester and the break, I'd been dealing with some issues, regarding the decision to go home for good and just regretting things over the past and everything. and I just locked myself in the room and did not get out much. I wanted to be invisible. I have to admit, I was DEPRESSED. but I kind of got to the state where I was like, "Jin, Freakin' GET OVER IT! Stop having the self-pity party!" and I had a little "letting go" ceremony with myself. I wrote down the things that prevent me from moving on and that I cannot let go even though they were hurting me. and then I wrote solutions or the different attitude I should have on those matters on the other side of the papers. and I burned each of them, letting things go, and restarting a new breathed life. so I am a new person now. I am going to learn about God all over again. and I am going to take my studyings seriously even if I don't like to study some of what I have to study for. and I am going to leave everything UP TO GOD. I am so sick and tired of trying to have control of my life and getting frustrated from the failure to control my life. I am DONE. Okay, so I got over them-actually I'm still working on them. I think it will take quite a while. and I came back to the reality. I am facing situations, circumstances, consequences resulted from the decisions I've made, and people. I am facing people again. with a different mindset. with a mindset that not everyone is going to like me(I wanted everyone to like me. yeah, stupid.)but those who treat me sincerely when I treat them sincerely are the ones I should have life-long relationships with. I am not going to try too hard to please others. but rather I am going to let myself be a part of others' lives. Does that make sense? I am about to be lost in my thought. Anyway, I will get back on that matter later. later. Haha.

Oh by the way, the reason I put the pictures of chocolate was that I want some real good chocolate. I mean REAL CHOCOLATE. I watched a movie called "Chocolat". in the film, anyone who eats the chocolate that the main actress makes just melts down and reveal what truly is in the bottom of their heart. I want some real chocolate that can give me a feeling of loose, freedom. a sweet freedom.

Rainyday Wednesday

Allison, my host sister, came home last night. The house has, ever since, been a little bit more crowded and filled with more talks and laughters. Which is good. :) My host mom is now one happy camper with her favoritest daughter home. Not that she had been depressed and all blue, but I can tell how she is now talking with more excited tone. It is hard to explain but there's just this atmosphere of love that surrounds her. Love for her own child. You know, parents. I've never felt this way. Past three years I have been living in this house, I felt nothing about seeing parents getting excited about their child coming home from a blood-sucking college. But it feels different this time. I feel this surge of wanting to go home. Go home and see my parents. Thanksgivings, Christmases, and other holidays never really made me homesick. (I have been homesick before but not for the holiday reason) But this time, my emotions are going super peculiar. I don't even know how to explain. But anyway, it is good to see Allison! :)

We went to IHOP for breakfast this morning. On the way to ihop, it was raining. I normally get depressed and all grossed out. But today, this rainyday Wednesday, I felt good about rain. Who would've thought I would welcome rain? But this morning, I surely did. I enjoyed the sound of the rain. I enjoyed looking at the window the rain was dripping on. I enjoyed the gloom. I enjoyed the chill. I enjoyed it all. And then I thought, "Maybe I should move to London where it rains and is depressing a lot of time?" Hmmm..

Cold Cold Ground

Hey yo!
I am at this coffee place at Harding called Midnight Oil. and I am sipping on this amazing drink called "cold cold ground". It is a shake with ground bean(?). It is so good: sweetness of ice cream with a slight bitterness of ground coffe bean. YESSSS!

Ughghghghghghggh, I am so unmotivated right now. I do not want to do my work. I do not want to do anything. All I want to do is drink coffee and sleep. and watch movies. and play piano. I am not that responsible, I guess. haha ;)

alskejktjlkqhwetiaisejfasdlf,cm,sjgtijteifjrksajfdkajdfkweajhgkfdjsakfkjeweithaiehsdgkjanmnvczngvkahdfasfjaklwjethasdgiakjnvzmcjzhvjdahugawhegauehruashwaehruhwquewiqwurhajsdhgjbzjxcfjsadhfuewfhbsdhfawfeygsdhrjgaehygawneufdsadnfjasfdahsfjhawuierhawejfdhajsdfhkasjdfhauiwehtjadbgjasdfka

This is how I feel right now.

Clair De Lune by Claude Debussy

I am listening to "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. What a beautiful song. It just comforts and relaxes my troubled mind. I wonder what Debussy was thinking or feeling when he wrote the song. I wonder what kind of life he had that inspired him to write such a great song. I tried to find the sheet music for this. I found one. and I looked at it. Oh boy, it looks a lot harder than it sounds. Geeeeez. ;)

My life has been pretty hectic. Ever since I wrote the last blog, visitation for social club (aka Christian sorority lol) and pledge week came and just devoured all my time. and then I was bombarded with all those tests and assignments. Yeah, pretty ordinary, though. My schedule looks ordinary but I am not sure if I feel ordinary. I mean, I am an ordinary person. shorter than average height and minority here in the US. but I am an ordinary girl with a heart that longs to find love. A heart that seeks something more than what the world seems to hold.

My feelings have been unusual-I can't quite describe it. I can't even say they are good or bad feelings. They are just wierd and ... weary. They are constantly nagging, feeding up on, and wearing me out. I am just hoping somewehre over the rainbow, way up high, there would be the light of hope that I have been crying out for. I am hoping for hope. Hoping to find hope. Because when I hope, it's more like crying out, begging, seeking, and craving to death. to death.

There is a blue bird of happiness named Jake. Jake is in a perfect environment. Good family, good friends, good God, and just a good environment that God has put him in. He does not have the filthy wealth that shows up on a piece of colorful magazine paper that Satan uses to lie to people. He does not have the beauty that would show up on a digital TV screen. but He is much blessed, loved, and cared by so many good souls. and even by God, he is just so loved. He does not deserve to complain about anything. Jake, however, is hungry for something. He is thirsty and hungry. He longs for something. He seeks for something that he can't quite figure out what it is. Everything seems blurry and uncomforting to him. Everything seems 50 degrees-not too hot or cold but just lukewarm. Jake feels empty. His heart is heavy but it's all empty that cold winter breeze goes right through it and makes his heart cold. His heart is burning hot but cold. He tries to fill it up. this empty hole, gap that is in him. Jake eats. He eats everything edible he sees. He drinks water from the river. He munches on the bread crumbs on the street. Jake just keeps eating and eating and eating. Then what. He explodes. Everything Jake drank and ate overwhelmed him. He was full. Too full that he could not hold anymore. Jake filled it up. He filled his emptiness in himself up. He filled it up too much that it exploded. Jake just lays on the edge of the street, in the cold winter air, bleeding to death and barely breathing. Jake takes the last breathe and his soul just flies away. There his heart lays on the street. Hot but cold. and empty.

My mom

You see, I am here in the room 1327 at the White County Medical Center in Searcy, Arkansas, United States of America. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. You know, looking at her, I think of my mom. Of course. Because I am such a mommy-girl that can’t get over her mom. I mentioned in my previous journal that my host mom has a face of love. So does my mom. Honestly, my mom has a face of love and pain-both physical and emotional pain in her life. She is also a preacher’s wife. A good one, I consider, because she really did everything she could for the church. She drove the bus for people to get picked up, cooked for lunch, cleaned the church, and led the children’s ministry all by herself. There was no one who stepped up to help her. Even my dad who was the preacher and her husband did not volunteer himself or others in the church to help her. Yes, bless her heart. But I believe she has an unbelievable amount of treasures in heaven stored under her name. She went through so much. I bet she gave others hard time, too, but she is rather child-spirited, dependent, and soft so she got emotionally hurt by others a lot. A LOT. You know people in today’s society. Just as rotten as ever. Always try to take advantage of others and seek their own benefits and gains but never really care for others. At least those my mom worked with were the kind. There are so much to say, I feel as if, about my mom. Now, she is diagnosed with glaucoma far developed and her retinas almost dead. I blame the stupid doctor who misdiagnosed her years ago but what will blame do? Nothing. It does not push the time back. It does nothing but resent. O I was going off the point. Anyway, looking at my host mom in pain in the hospital bed, I was reminded of my mom. Well, my mom is not in the hospital bed, first. And she does not have hoses all over her or through her. I do not know why. Well, I guess I do know why. I am extremely, hyper-sensitively aware of my mom’s pain and incredibly scared whether something will happen to her. She is going almost blind. Who knows when she will be completely blind and something will happen to her? I just am really scared for my mom. I’ve had so many nightmares about her in pain, going to ER, dying, or even getting beat up some men. Those are the indications that I am scared of my mom being in pain. And that may be the main reason I’ve decided to go home. It may be a mistake. I may be making emotional decision like others say. However, I just feel like this is the only and the last time for me. The only and the last time for what? I do not know. I do not know whether it is for me to be able to take care of my mom because I will be super busy after college trying to get into grad school and get a job. I do not know whether it is for me to just go to Korea as my home country. I do not know. But I just feel like it is either this time or never. I feel like I’ve got to go. Did God put this desire in my heart or what? I am not really sure, frankly. It is very hard to tell the difference between the desire of my own and the desire from God because they are both desires in my heart. But yesterday, I was trying to have some fellowship time with God, and I had encounter with God, that I can say for sure. He consoled me and told me that everything will go all right because He loves me. Satan tries to put me down because He loves me so much and Satan just can’t freakin’ stand that. And then, He said, “Jin, go home. Go home and be with your mom.” I do not think his desire for me to go home is not only to be with my mom but I feel as if he is giving me permission to use my mom as an excuse for me to go home because she is one of the reasons but the only one. I do not know what God will do with me in Korea now. Honestly, I may have worse depression. I may have worse relationship with my parents. I may lose my English. I may not have true friends like the ones I have here. I won’t have DGR in Korea for sure. But those may be worse situations can be also flipped to the other side and be may be better situations. But only in God’s purpose and plan. Only in His plan, everything works out and stays the same. I will continue to pray to God to use me and to give me answers to my questions. But right now, I feel like I am certain that God wants and permits me to go home and be with my parents. I want to go home. Because it is home where I have my parents. Because it is my home. Because home is where everyone wants to go.

Diana Sue Beaty

I am here in the room 1327 at the While County Medical Center. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. Hearing her snoring in sleep and then groaning in pain. With no makeup, hair not washed or combed, teeth not brushed, white hospital gown on, all the scary medical devices that light up and make beeping sounds, and with the hoses all over her, she still looks lovely. Well, maybe not really hot and glamorous, but she still looks good. When people have been loved in their life, you can generally tell by their faces. Especially the aged ones that have lived quite a life, have been through a lot, and have learned a lot. You can tell what kind of life they had by their faces. This woman who was born on June 6, 1959 has a face of love. When I look at her face, I just get peace in my mind. Her presence itself makes me comfortable. She has a face of love, serenity, peace, kindness, joy, grace, and humility of God. She is a preacher’s wife. A good preacher’s wife. There are some bad ones out there but she is one of the best ones. She is a soft and strong leader as well as her husband in the church. She loves, embraces, cares for, and shares God’s full love with her church family. But she protects and stands firmly for the church family through faith in God. She also stands firmly against the Satan’s ugly attempts to destroy the Lord’s temple through faith in God. She does it all through faith in God. As her host daughter who has lived with her for four good ole years, I can tell how much she loves and also is loved. She is the true example of the old saying that to be loved is to love. While I’ve been here trying to take care of her for about five hours, I have had people visit and leave messages, stay and just watch her even though she did not know of their presence, and make phone calls to check on her. People care about her. They are concerned about her. They LOVE her. I see the power of love here. It is what she has that has spread out to people she reached out to. It spreads out. It is contagious. Then it is magnetic. It compels. The love she sends out to people comes back to her. Well, she is not perfect though. She gets frustrated very easily. She is one of the most easily frustrated people I’ve seen in my life. However, she truly shows others who God is through her behavior. She represents God. She shines God’s light. She is one of the few, I’ve seen, with the most respectful, joyful, peaceful, graceful, loving, sharing, caring, intelligent, kind, generous, desirable, and adorable heart.