I am really pumped for this summer. because I have plan. I am going to get two jobs, taking online biology course, and working to be hot! I am going to swim, dance, and do yoga. I should be pretty firmed up! I am excited to have my birthday with my parents in four years.
But... I don't know.. what's wrong me? I am excited yet kind of anxious and afraid of what's going to happen. I don't want what happened last year to repeat again this year. I don't want to waste time sitting around the house like last year. I don't know... I'm going through this turmoil again... turmoil of "what's the point?" turmoil of uncertainity about EVERYTHING.
Gosh, there is seriously some problems with me. I think I have anxiety, slight depression, and anger issues. I've gotten out of shell in the beginnin gof the school year but now I got back into my shell. and I do not like it at all. at all. I wanna be wild, crazy, unpredictable, free-spirited, and just be a free bird, ya know? but I guess everyone is trapped in their own way. We can't buy everything we want. We can't eat everything we want. We can't have relationships with only those we like. We can't go to every places we want to visit. Life is so limited yet so limitless. This is soooo weird.
My freshman year of college. It was a new life. A new breath into something new. It was a new step of a whole new world. A new eye sight. Actually, it was an eye-opener. Now looking back, it was very different from the life I had back in high school. But it somehow just really sunk inside of me very naturally, quietly, and invisibly. and now it's just a part of who I am. and I quite enjoy it. haha
My freshman year of college.
It was AWESOME yet painful. It taught me a lot through painful lessons and stuff. I do not want to go back and do it again because I did my best and do not regret what I did and what I did not do. I probably made many, many mistakes. but I believe that those mistakes were actually what got me here, not what I've done right. I could've done something right throught something I've done wrong. that's what I believe.
I had many, many inner struggles. I had to go to counselings and stuff. but I do not regret or feel ahsamed of that I went to a therapist.
Thost struggles I had, the helps I found, and the faith I was desprate for inside of me drew me closer to God. They gave me a deeper insight in Christ's life.
I've made awesome relationships-friends and teachers and also my host paretns.
See, back in high school, all those rules that limited my life kind of blinded me and put a wall between me and my host parents, especially host dad.
I was still thankful and loved him but I sometimes got real irritated by the way he ruled me. but now I am kind of glad that I had curfews and I do not exactly why.
but am glad that I had rules that I followed and learned obedience through. It is just kind of water-flowing thing. Can't really explain so structurely(?) but It just happens and gets to where it is now.
and now, without much rules, I see more of him and I understand him more and I understand the rules of life more. It probably sounds dramatic but that's really how I feel.
and this year just really brought me and him together. and I thank the Lord for that.
My friends are awesome. They are different from each other. They are different from me. yet we get along pretty well. and we have fun.
We have something in common though. that we....... idk. we love music. we love each other. haha. whatever.
I just met a Korean lady here in the airport. She's going to Dallas, too. She lives in Chicago. She said she was visiting a friend in Cabot, AR. COOL. Haha well, through conversations, she ended up giving me a lecture on dating. She told me to date guys when I was still young in order to know how to control guys. Yes, ma’am!
Well I am gonna go before my cute laptop runs out of battery. Bye. :)
Okay, now I am in Japanese airport waiting on the LAST flight to Korea!!!!!!!! I am anxious and feeling kind of sick. I feel nauseated. I am excited, though. On the plane to here from Dallas, TX, I made a list of things to do in summer. There were a lot of things that I kind of NEED to get done rather than just want to do. So I will be quite busy! Which I do not mind at all because I’d much rather stay busy than waste time being lazy… Actually that was one of the things I was afraid of myself to do in case I go back to Korea. I am not going to say the things I made a list of on this post because I’ve already posted that before.
This summer is going to be great. I just know it. I just have to hope, pray, and believe it. It will be great. It won’t be the same and I won’t be the same after this summer because I will be much influenced by good things and good people. It will be greater than any other summers I’ve had in my entire life. I believe so.
God is so great. I would like to do a lot of volunteer works when I am home because here in Searcy, I do not have much time for it because I have so much to do (and I will be busier in my sophomore year..). I mean, that probably is an excuse but also, I do not have a car to drive so BAM! There’s the reasonable excuse.
I do not wanna be so focused on myself. I do not want to worry about my face and just be grumpy the whole time just because I do not look like everyone else. I can still be beautiful with some acne. I can still be beautiful with some extra pounds on me. ONLY IF I have POSTIVIE ATTITUDE. It is all matter of attitude. Attitude changes the world 180 degrees. It flips the world and life completely upside down. That’s kind of why people’s mind is so significant, too. And that is why I love PSYCHOLOGY. Haha
I am wordy and tend to ramble a lot. See, I do not even have much said but I’ve already taken up two whole pages of Microsoft word.
Now it is 4:50 p.m. and my flight is at 6:20 p.m. I am kind of bored here but I do not really want to walk around and look at the duty free make-ups and cosmetics. (I’ve already bought some sweets for my grandparents and a skincare product for my mom.) I am tired and exhausted. And I am hungry. I was going to have some food but it is just too expensive here. A bowl of noodle is almost 9 dollars. Ridiculous. And I am assuming that the flight will feed us so I don’t really need to fill my stomach up right now, and even if I don’t get fed on the plane, I can have my first Korean meal tonight with my parents so it will all work out. I just feel so sickened. My eyes, nose, and the whole head are burning and hurting. Dang it! Hopefully, I will feel better when I see my dad’s face.
My mom is not coming because she has to work til late tonight. I do not mind at all. I am kind of glad that she chose work over me because I felt bad for a long time because I feel like my parents lay everything off for me, and I do not like that. I want them to live their life. I know, I am not really making sense right now but I am just kind of relieved that she chose to work tonight, not to come pick me and up and then have so much stuff loaded up on her. So my dad is coming and I hope that goes well… I mean, I love my dad but I am not really used to being with him alone a lot of times. I mean, I was used to it when I was young but ever since I kind of grew up and started having some my own personal abstract thoughts, I kind of stopped spending time with him. He was busy, too, so I do not wanna blame myself for all of it. So I just kind of hope that the ride home from the airport won’t be awkward… Pray for me.
I do not know why but it is really hot here in Japanese airport. It was freezing in the flight from Dallas to here. I am so sick of the big difference of weather or temperature.. Just sayin’. Oh crap, my foot is cramping………… Geeeeeez. I hate when it happens. Haha. Story of my life.
Okay, I am going to stop write because I am tired and I just wanna rest……….
Goodbye..
I will write over the summer, hopefully. But I will SEE you later in August… Farewell.
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