His plan, I'm feelin' it!

Okay, so you know how you have highs and lows in your days, weeks, months, years, and in your entire life? and when you have highs, you are super excited, give thanks to the Lord, and talk all about it to family and friends. and when you have lows, you may question God but you still pick up the strength He gives you. and you just sit, wait, and wish the storm would be over soon. OR you try to learn lessons through the storm, which I respect people who do that sooo much. anyway so you do deal with highs and lows differently, right?

and then.... time passes and when you look back, do you feel like the whole thing was His plan?

His plan to teach you a lesson of .... peace? patience? or self-control?

So I "had" (past perfect tense=i'm past it) been distressed with the fact that I was broke and just could not get a job on campus. Even the cafeteria, a place with their arms open wide for student workers, had all their shifts filled up. but I realized that His grace is sufficient for me and He will provide whatever I need if I just let Him work through me. so I let that go. I think that was the point where I let go of not only the money circumstances but also everything else that has potential to be distressing.

and then here are my highs and lows:

9-29 Phone situation worked out through kindhearted family of Haley Rogers

(high)

10-9 Emotions exploded and lost its control: indulged on sugar

(low)

(I know this seems like a small matter; but for a health-freak like me, it is quite a deal)

10-10 Tutoring job in the last minute

(high)

And then the kid I tutored boosts his average up from 57% to 80%!

10-16 Got back from fall break and started feeling super lonely and empty

(low.....)

10-17 Got a super nice, flattering, honoring comment on my research proposal
by my Advanced Research professor

(high)

10-18 Sudden frustrations, anger, and all the emotional junk

(low)

10-18 Tutoring rate was increased from $15 to $20

(high)

Okay, well some of the lows, I feel like it is Satan knowing that I can get affected by moods very easily (since I have the history of depression) and just trying to mess me up.

but thank the Lord that I am aware of the Satan's dirty little moves and that I am continuously lifted up and encouraged by the strength of God!

but today's low... it's different, ya'll.

Last night, I went to the Sanctuary (worship service at a church where we just praise the Lord with singing for an hour) and the Holy Spirit touched my heart.

I always say like a habig in my prayers that I would submit my life to Him, but last night was REAL. I just had to knelt down and put myself down on the ground in front Him. I could not resist the strong presence of the Holy Spirit. and I like intensely confessed to Him that I am all His. I asked Him to completely break me down and make me a servant He wants to make me. My heart cried out to Him. I seriously wanted Him to touch my soul and take my life away from me. (Not physically but.. you know.. metaphorically.. ha..)

and... I felt Him saying, "Are you ready for this? I am going to break you since you asked. but it will hurt. Are you ready for this?"

and my soul said,

"YES"

and I think the sudden emotion burst out from this morning was kinda a part of the process of breaking myself down and getting rid of ME out of me. It was over a trivial matter and I apologized. (Thankfully, it was well accepted) and it made me think a lot. I am still in the process of figuring out what the burst out was about. but I strongly feel that God is putting me on the road for complete submission and servanthood.

To be completely honest, I am a little bit anxious just because I do not want to disappoint the Father; but He probably knows my heart and the desires I have. so I am ready. and I feel like I've started on the journey. I do not know how long it will take, how hurtful it will be, and how much I would have to break my ego-shell and just strip myself to strangers out there, but I am ready.

Ready to get out of my slough.