Smack, smack, smack

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wow, this is it.

It has started.

The New Year.

The Year of 2012.

Everything starts over.

AirOne radio station one day said, "we can put the past behind and start everything over. Start fresh and renewed. God does not want you to hold on to the guilt, blame, anger, or any sorts of the negative. He wants you to put it behind and not let it block you from moving on because He already forgave."

We don't have to cry over it.

We can put it behind.

and move on.

Because God has already moved on.

I was doing devotional this morning and I just want to share some verses that touched my heart.

Psalm 14: 6 "You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the LORD is their refuge".

Psalm 15 "LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill? He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman, who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken".

Psalm 17: 8 "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings".

Psalm 17: 15 "And I - in rightesness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness".

So..... I kind of got into Winter break depression/homesickness. I do not know what got into me, but I had been kind of depressed, homesick, blue, and emotional. and of course, by letting the dumb emotions swing me around, I became distant from God.

I worked on my resume, looked up a ton of internships in selected regions in the United States, and applied to 27 different Human Resources internships. The whole time I was doing it, I thought I was doing it right. By doing the best. By doing what I think I can. By thinking the amount of efforts I put into it will make me deserve to get what I want. By thinking that I can do it.

By thinking that I can do it.

By thinking that I can do it.

That was the problem: my own thought of what is right. my own strength. my own capability. my deserving what I want. what I want. what I can do.

Freakin.

Bloody.

Stupid.

Darn.

Me.

The thing is, the whole time I was doing all I was doing and thinking all I was thinking, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was missing. and because I couldn't or was too afriad to figure out what the missing puzzle piece is, I was miserable. Everything irritated me. Everything led to self-destructive, self-pity thinking, which is so pathetic.

Thanks to Randall Beaty, my host dad, I got smacked and told exactly what I was doing wrong, realized I was not fully trusting the Lord, felt terrible, cried in the bathroom for like 30 minutes (haha pathetic), and let everything go.

Like I said, I don't know what got into me. I mean, I probably do know. It's probably the enemy that is trying so hard to make me doubt myself, my identity in Him, and Him. But I am going to just let everything go out of my hand and leave everything up to Him. I did look up and apply to different places. I am going to stop figuring things out and earning things by myself. I am going to let God open the door that fits me perfectly. I am going to let Him lead my path. I am going to listen to Him and not tell Him what to do.

My break hasn't been that dramatic or lots of fun. (well obviously. I was freakin depressed.) but I have been realizing that Life Ain't Easy.

It is Complicated.

It is full of Crap.

It is Poop.

But I have hope in Him. not in life.

Who knew God works by putting his children in poop?

Welp I guess it is worth-living poop.

Poop.