Rainyday Wednesday

Allison, my host sister, came home last night. The house has, ever since, been a little bit more crowded and filled with more talks and laughters. Which is good. :) My host mom is now one happy camper with her favoritest daughter home. Not that she had been depressed and all blue, but I can tell how she is now talking with more excited tone. It is hard to explain but there's just this atmosphere of love that surrounds her. Love for her own child. You know, parents. I've never felt this way. Past three years I have been living in this house, I felt nothing about seeing parents getting excited about their child coming home from a blood-sucking college. But it feels different this time. I feel this surge of wanting to go home. Go home and see my parents. Thanksgivings, Christmases, and other holidays never really made me homesick. (I have been homesick before but not for the holiday reason) But this time, my emotions are going super peculiar. I don't even know how to explain. But anyway, it is good to see Allison! :)

We went to IHOP for breakfast this morning. On the way to ihop, it was raining. I normally get depressed and all grossed out. But today, this rainyday Wednesday, I felt good about rain. Who would've thought I would welcome rain? But this morning, I surely did. I enjoyed the sound of the rain. I enjoyed looking at the window the rain was dripping on. I enjoyed the gloom. I enjoyed the chill. I enjoyed it all. And then I thought, "Maybe I should move to London where it rains and is depressing a lot of time?" Hmmm..

Cold Cold Ground

Hey yo!
I am at this coffee place at Harding called Midnight Oil. and I am sipping on this amazing drink called "cold cold ground". It is a shake with ground bean(?). It is so good: sweetness of ice cream with a slight bitterness of ground coffe bean. YESSSS!

Ughghghghghghggh, I am so unmotivated right now. I do not want to do my work. I do not want to do anything. All I want to do is drink coffee and sleep. and watch movies. and play piano. I am not that responsible, I guess. haha ;)

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This is how I feel right now.

Clair De Lune by Claude Debussy

I am listening to "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. What a beautiful song. It just comforts and relaxes my troubled mind. I wonder what Debussy was thinking or feeling when he wrote the song. I wonder what kind of life he had that inspired him to write such a great song. I tried to find the sheet music for this. I found one. and I looked at it. Oh boy, it looks a lot harder than it sounds. Geeeeez. ;)

My life has been pretty hectic. Ever since I wrote the last blog, visitation for social club (aka Christian sorority lol) and pledge week came and just devoured all my time. and then I was bombarded with all those tests and assignments. Yeah, pretty ordinary, though. My schedule looks ordinary but I am not sure if I feel ordinary. I mean, I am an ordinary person. shorter than average height and minority here in the US. but I am an ordinary girl with a heart that longs to find love. A heart that seeks something more than what the world seems to hold.

My feelings have been unusual-I can't quite describe it. I can't even say they are good or bad feelings. They are just wierd and ... weary. They are constantly nagging, feeding up on, and wearing me out. I am just hoping somewehre over the rainbow, way up high, there would be the light of hope that I have been crying out for. I am hoping for hope. Hoping to find hope. Because when I hope, it's more like crying out, begging, seeking, and craving to death. to death.

There is a blue bird of happiness named Jake. Jake is in a perfect environment. Good family, good friends, good God, and just a good environment that God has put him in. He does not have the filthy wealth that shows up on a piece of colorful magazine paper that Satan uses to lie to people. He does not have the beauty that would show up on a digital TV screen. but He is much blessed, loved, and cared by so many good souls. and even by God, he is just so loved. He does not deserve to complain about anything. Jake, however, is hungry for something. He is thirsty and hungry. He longs for something. He seeks for something that he can't quite figure out what it is. Everything seems blurry and uncomforting to him. Everything seems 50 degrees-not too hot or cold but just lukewarm. Jake feels empty. His heart is heavy but it's all empty that cold winter breeze goes right through it and makes his heart cold. His heart is burning hot but cold. He tries to fill it up. this empty hole, gap that is in him. Jake eats. He eats everything edible he sees. He drinks water from the river. He munches on the bread crumbs on the street. Jake just keeps eating and eating and eating. Then what. He explodes. Everything Jake drank and ate overwhelmed him. He was full. Too full that he could not hold anymore. Jake filled it up. He filled his emptiness in himself up. He filled it up too much that it exploded. Jake just lays on the edge of the street, in the cold winter air, bleeding to death and barely breathing. Jake takes the last breathe and his soul just flies away. There his heart lays on the street. Hot but cold. and empty.

My mom

You see, I am here in the room 1327 at the White County Medical Center in Searcy, Arkansas, United States of America. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. You know, looking at her, I think of my mom. Of course. Because I am such a mommy-girl that can’t get over her mom. I mentioned in my previous journal that my host mom has a face of love. So does my mom. Honestly, my mom has a face of love and pain-both physical and emotional pain in her life. She is also a preacher’s wife. A good one, I consider, because she really did everything she could for the church. She drove the bus for people to get picked up, cooked for lunch, cleaned the church, and led the children’s ministry all by herself. There was no one who stepped up to help her. Even my dad who was the preacher and her husband did not volunteer himself or others in the church to help her. Yes, bless her heart. But I believe she has an unbelievable amount of treasures in heaven stored under her name. She went through so much. I bet she gave others hard time, too, but she is rather child-spirited, dependent, and soft so she got emotionally hurt by others a lot. A LOT. You know people in today’s society. Just as rotten as ever. Always try to take advantage of others and seek their own benefits and gains but never really care for others. At least those my mom worked with were the kind. There are so much to say, I feel as if, about my mom. Now, she is diagnosed with glaucoma far developed and her retinas almost dead. I blame the stupid doctor who misdiagnosed her years ago but what will blame do? Nothing. It does not push the time back. It does nothing but resent. O I was going off the point. Anyway, looking at my host mom in pain in the hospital bed, I was reminded of my mom. Well, my mom is not in the hospital bed, first. And she does not have hoses all over her or through her. I do not know why. Well, I guess I do know why. I am extremely, hyper-sensitively aware of my mom’s pain and incredibly scared whether something will happen to her. She is going almost blind. Who knows when she will be completely blind and something will happen to her? I just am really scared for my mom. I’ve had so many nightmares about her in pain, going to ER, dying, or even getting beat up some men. Those are the indications that I am scared of my mom being in pain. And that may be the main reason I’ve decided to go home. It may be a mistake. I may be making emotional decision like others say. However, I just feel like this is the only and the last time for me. The only and the last time for what? I do not know. I do not know whether it is for me to be able to take care of my mom because I will be super busy after college trying to get into grad school and get a job. I do not know whether it is for me to just go to Korea as my home country. I do not know. But I just feel like it is either this time or never. I feel like I’ve got to go. Did God put this desire in my heart or what? I am not really sure, frankly. It is very hard to tell the difference between the desire of my own and the desire from God because they are both desires in my heart. But yesterday, I was trying to have some fellowship time with God, and I had encounter with God, that I can say for sure. He consoled me and told me that everything will go all right because He loves me. Satan tries to put me down because He loves me so much and Satan just can’t freakin’ stand that. And then, He said, “Jin, go home. Go home and be with your mom.” I do not think his desire for me to go home is not only to be with my mom but I feel as if he is giving me permission to use my mom as an excuse for me to go home because she is one of the reasons but the only one. I do not know what God will do with me in Korea now. Honestly, I may have worse depression. I may have worse relationship with my parents. I may lose my English. I may not have true friends like the ones I have here. I won’t have DGR in Korea for sure. But those may be worse situations can be also flipped to the other side and be may be better situations. But only in God’s purpose and plan. Only in His plan, everything works out and stays the same. I will continue to pray to God to use me and to give me answers to my questions. But right now, I feel like I am certain that God wants and permits me to go home and be with my parents. I want to go home. Because it is home where I have my parents. Because it is my home. Because home is where everyone wants to go.

Diana Sue Beaty

I am here in the room 1327 at the While County Medical Center. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. Hearing her snoring in sleep and then groaning in pain. With no makeup, hair not washed or combed, teeth not brushed, white hospital gown on, all the scary medical devices that light up and make beeping sounds, and with the hoses all over her, she still looks lovely. Well, maybe not really hot and glamorous, but she still looks good. When people have been loved in their life, you can generally tell by their faces. Especially the aged ones that have lived quite a life, have been through a lot, and have learned a lot. You can tell what kind of life they had by their faces. This woman who was born on June 6, 1959 has a face of love. When I look at her face, I just get peace in my mind. Her presence itself makes me comfortable. She has a face of love, serenity, peace, kindness, joy, grace, and humility of God. She is a preacher’s wife. A good preacher’s wife. There are some bad ones out there but she is one of the best ones. She is a soft and strong leader as well as her husband in the church. She loves, embraces, cares for, and shares God’s full love with her church family. But she protects and stands firmly for the church family through faith in God. She also stands firmly against the Satan’s ugly attempts to destroy the Lord’s temple through faith in God. She does it all through faith in God. As her host daughter who has lived with her for four good ole years, I can tell how much she loves and also is loved. She is the true example of the old saying that to be loved is to love. While I’ve been here trying to take care of her for about five hours, I have had people visit and leave messages, stay and just watch her even though she did not know of their presence, and make phone calls to check on her. People care about her. They are concerned about her. They LOVE her. I see the power of love here. It is what she has that has spread out to people she reached out to. It spreads out. It is contagious. Then it is magnetic. It compels. The love she sends out to people comes back to her. Well, she is not perfect though. She gets frustrated very easily. She is one of the most easily frustrated people I’ve seen in my life. However, she truly shows others who God is through her behavior. She represents God. She shines God’s light. She is one of the few, I’ve seen, with the most respectful, joyful, peaceful, graceful, loving, sharing, caring, intelligent, kind, generous, desirable, and adorable heart.

Long Time No Post!

Hey yall! It has been FOREVER since I uploaded a post. Many things happened, I feel like. I have A LOT to say. but I can't really say it right now because - I am in the library and I feel like it will be forever once I start typing so I am just not going to even start. Heh. I just felt a great urge to put up a new post of whatever. So post of my life coming up!

Peace and much Love,

Summer time review

Hola, amigos! I know I haven't updated my blog like forever. That is because: 1)I am butt lazy. 2)I can't stop once I start typing. 3)I do not remember what to write even though I feel as if I have tons to say... haha. I miss my friends back in the states so much.

The summer is closing to an end. I wish I had about two more weeks to see more people I want to see before I leave for another year. Two more weeks to spend more time with my family. All of us have been so busy with stuff that we hardly spend time together except for Sunday nights. Two more weeks to do more of what I want to do when I am here in Asian land. Just two more weeks.. but Time does not come back. It has no mercy. So I've gotta just suck it and move on. Heya!

This summer has been really busy for me. I worked full time about a month in the beginning and then I got stuck at home studying for this stupid Biology online class. So I was trapped til the beginning of August. and I'm trying to do as many things as possible for about half a month I have left. It is kind of wearing me out, you know? I'm always doing something somewhere with someone. I mean, I love moving around. I do not like just staying home and doing nothing. It makes me feel like a lazy, hopeless person. But it does tire me a little bit now. but it is okay. I have less than two weeks left. I will see as many people as possible. I will spend as much time with my family as possible. I will do as many things I want to do as possible. Now, things I want to do? Those are like: going to photography exhibitions, going to some cool places to take photos of, and buying stuff for the new semester, new life, and my friends. :)

Major changes that I've had this summer? I would say my body. I seriously got into workout plan to be more in shape. I lost some weight but gained some back. (Yeah, I'm a weak-willed person. :( ) and I'd been learning swimming from some people I met at the gym. Now I'm better at free stroke. Yay! Oh another major change: a major decision about my life. I still don't know how the decision I made will go. I do not know if it will stay the same or change. I just want to leave it up to God. I do not know what I need to do. I will just open my ears as big as possible and try to listen to what He says to me. Another major change (Yeah, now I think about it, there are some changes!): I let go of something that I'd been trying to fix. I should've known long time ago that I could not fix it. but now I realized it, I let it go and leave it as it flows. Last major change: I met a new friend that I will keep my relationship with for a long time. I feel like she is a true friend. She taught me so many precious life lessons. She is much older than me yet she treats me like a friend at her age. I am thankful to have met her because otherwise, my summer would have been more boring and lonesome.

I am ready to get back to school. I cannot say I want all those hard work again. I do not want to pull all-nighters to do homeworks or study for tests. They sicken me. But I need to do what I've gotta do, right? and I am ready to reunite with my good ole Harding friends. and I am also ready to see some relaxing green Harding campus. I heard sophomore year is the busiest time in college so I do not how more busy I will be than I was in freshman year. but I do hope to make some precious memories with my lovely friends this coming year. This coming year is kind of scary to me. I feel like I have such a short time to do so many things. It is a little overwhelming. but hey, because I realize how short of time I have left, I feel the true importance of time. I will not waste a second.

Okay, that seems enough.
I will write some more when I can.
Peace, Love, and Blessings,