Lonesome night

Tonight is rather lonesome.. more lonesome than other nights I've faced lately. Hmm. I do not want to say a lot today.

I want to be cheered up.
I want to be pat on my back and said that it will all be all right.
I want to be consoled.
I want to be paid attention at.
I want to be loved.
I want to be free.
I want to escape.

Things just happened tonight. Actually, they had been rather happening to happen a big time lately, and I had been thinking that it was just a routine thing but it really wasn't. I think it is moving somewhere and changing into something I cannot quite figure out yet. but I actually do hope that it is close to the end, no matter how good it will look as a result. I do not care if there is any consequence for me to deal with. I just want it to be over. Actually, it is not even my business. but when it is a business of someone you love so much, it becomes your business.

I have made a decision that I've been trying to compare the chocies, see which one will be more beneficial for me, and actually deny the choice I need to make. I do not want to broadcast it but since my followers are just really close friends, I am just going to announce it.

I am moving back to South Korea after my sophomore year in college. for my own good. and also to take care of my mom. Nothing is serious. I know God will take care of the situation and everything. Who knows what will or won't happen in my life? I may decide not to transfer by the end of my sophomore year. but for right now, I am.
I may be more depressed, lonely, and miserable after I transfer and live here. but my feelings are not the focus right now. Being with and taking care of my loved ones is. I'm still dealing with this issue and I do not know when it will come to an end.

LIFE LIFE LIFE

My life here in Korea in summer of 2010 has been quite busy. Actually really busy. I just have had so many things to do. My job and diet have been the biggest main focus of my life lately. and just little things are really blocking me from having my own time for summer. But it's okay, I'm satisfied.
Oh man I haven't wrrite on my blog so long that I do not even know what story to begin with. Pew.

From the language school that I worked for a month, I met this 26 years old teacher, and we have become such good friends. She is somewhat different than me but then she is somewhat similar with me. She had so many things happened in her life that whatever comes out of her head and her heart is a life lesson to me. and we are so comfortable with each other regardless of 7 years of age difference. I can really talk to her about things in my life and feel such a comfort. She has met this guy lately and they are so precious. They neither try to rush the steps of making out nor hide their feelings. They are very honest with each other so they just express how much they like each other when they feel like expressing it. But anyway, I thank God for sending her in my life. I only have friends from middle here because I did not go to high school in my home country. so I've met my friends and hung out with them several times but it's not the same anymore. Now it's more like I'm visiting them or they are visiting me because I'm here for a short period of time. and it's just... not the same. so I've been kinda lonely and bored. I've been missing my friends at Harding like crazy. Like CRAZY. but my new friend has made my summer better so far. haha ;)

and... this someone made my summer kind of exciting yet troublesome. hard to explain yet. but are you getting my telepathy?

My family has been better and worse in some ways. but I've kind of let them go. I guess I should say I've let them go in my heart. I still love them but I'm going to stop trying to talk to them to make them understand each other. because it is almost impossible. They don't listen to me anymore. now I think that all these times that I tried to talk to them and make them understand and beg them to understand were just FOR ME. for me to feel better by trying. for me to feel more comfortable in my own home. It was actually me that didn't understand. I was just forcing them to understand each other when they actually did understand but didn't have to act the way I want them to act because they also got hearts. so I'm going to stop talking to them about their relationship because it is their business, not mine. but I'm going to keep striving to be a good daughter. I'm going to make some delicious meals for them because they hardly get a complete meal a day. and I'm going to manage the housekeeping and stuff.

When people leave each other in their hearts, it is done. that's what I knew for a long time but denied until now because I didn't want to believe. People deny so many things even when they know the truth. They deny the truth. because they are too afraid to admit it. they do not want to believe. and I was one of the cowards also.

I went to this Japanese' poet's photography exhibition last saturday. The theme was Communication with the Nature. The photos were not really artsy or skilled but I could see the nature. It was the real natural nature moved on a piece of big photo paper. There were 100 pictures of many countries with 9 different themes. and whenever I looked at each photos, I could feel the tempreture or breeze, I could smell the nature taken a photo of, I could hear the sounds of the people or just the nature, and I could see other things around the nature. It was really weird experience in a good way. I felt like I actually travelled around the countires. because the photos were so real that they made me like I was there when I was looking at the photos. It was a nice experience. :)

July is already here. Time flies. Really fast. I want to make the rest of my summer in Korea memorable, unforgettable, and precious.

Oh by the way, wish me a good luck on this Sunday!

Date with my dad

I had a good night. I do not think I had as much fun lately as tonight. After my workout, my family went to a riverside. It was early summer so the night breeze was kind of chilly but felt REAL GOOOOOOOD! My mom's knee was hurting so my dad and I went on a walk along the riverside. (Dang, I should've taken a picture! if I had a camera!) He and I walked for about thirty minutes and talked about many, many things. mainly about life and.... stuff. It was such a refreshing time with cool, peaceful river breeze under street lights. I think it was more special than ever because I had a walk with my dad alone and we had a sincere talk. A heartfelt talk. And now, I feel like I understand him more. I don't know. It was weird in a good way. I think tonight was one of the best memories I will bring back to USA. :)

I wish I had super power

I wish I had a super power... like knowing what someone is feeling or thinking? Of course, it is all the fun to have relationships without knowing everything, I must agree. However, sometimes I just wish I knew what the other person is thinking so I know what to do, you know? Pew. Humans are manipulative. But what is more stupid is that I still go along with someone even when I know he/she is just playing me around. I don't know. Maybe I can play back, too. But is that right? Heck, what matters?

Unsleepable (?)

It is 6:13 a.m. in Korea, and I've been staying up ALL NIGHT. I tried to go to bed so hard but I just couldn't somehow. and it is driving me nuts because I will look awful today since I got no sleep. Pew. Whatever. Not being able to sleep actually sucks. I mean, I like not sleeping and enjoying the night, but it is quite annoying when I CAN'T go to bed. (oh man my head hurts. :() So I decided to make a new post! I see the windows getting brighter and brighter as the time goes by tonight. Yes, a whole new day is coming right at me. It will be a good day. First, I will go to church. and then, I will have lunch with my friend that has been such a good fella to me ever since 7th grade. She never lost connection with me. and then, I will babysit kids from 3-6. which means I won't be able to work out today because the gym closes at six. Oh well, I will just run outside tonight. Hopefully, I will be motivated to do that..... I'm so fickle that I don't even know how my mind is going to change. LAME.

Going to the gym has been pretty fun. I feel lighter and healthier. and since I go to work pretty much all day long, there's not much encounter with people. but I talk to the trainer in the gym and he is quite funny. but anyway, I shall be under 50kg before I go back to America! this is a declaration of war with MYSELF. It will be extremely tough. Oh man, my shoulders are extremely stiff right now. someone massage me!

I fell in love with this Korean band called C.N.BLUE. I do not know why they are called C.N.BLUE, but they are really good. and they are really CUTE. GEEEEEEEEZ. Haha :)

I walk outside, see things like places, people, and many other things outside, and then frame them in my mind. I just see how awesome they will look in photos. I just need a CAMERA, dang it! I need shooting time really bad. It is a must time for my life.

I'm in the middle of this huge struggle with my future right now. and that is deciding whether to transfer to Korean college after my sophomore year. I do not want to leave Harding because I have some of the most wonderful people I will never meet anywhere else, I have the most beautiful campus that gives me the biggest stress relief, I am in the best club ever DGR!, and I just think Harding is a pretty good place to be. BUT, I cannot stay so comfortable in America having my mom who can hardly see very much now alone in Korea. My dad doesn't help her anymore. She needs someone to hold onto when she goes to places. She needs someone otherwise I will fall every time she takes a step and who knows what is going to happen. I'm so worried about her. I feel like I should be there. It is killing me. but then, I do not want to live with my parents because that drives me crazy, too. Not just because of the normal annoying parents' control of their kids issue but because they make me extremely angry. I do not want to get on this so precisely. but they just build anger inside of me. Looking at them, I do not want to get married because I am afraid if I will be a wife like my mom and meet a husband like my dad. You know? I am so glad to be in America and I cannot even imagine what kind of person I would be now if I just stayed here all my life. but don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY PARENTS. They are great parents. They are just bad wife and husband materials. So..... I don't know what to do. I keep praying and asking God what He wants me to do because I want to do what He wants me to do no matter what that is going to cost. but His answer to this question is kind of slow, I guess.

but anyway... I do not want to post my family matters and everything but I just needed to let out. I want to be in love. (and that was random, ha)

I miss you, my friends in USA.

Don't wanna go to sleep.

It is 1:30 a.m. right now and I'm extremely tired because I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night. I'm extremely sleepy and feeling my eyelids being so heavy. but I think I"m just a night owl. I do not want to go to sleep. I do not want to waste this night. I want to go to sleep but I don't. I do wanna close my eyes and shut myself from the world for a little bit but then I don't wanna close my eyes. I do not want to miss out on ANYTHING. LAME.

"He doesn't love me"... She doesn't realize how that hurts me as much as that hurts her. I mean, I understand both of them and I still love both of them sooooo much. But They don't seem to realize how they act hurts me even tho they don't intend to hurt me. When they are nice to me but just so cruel to each other, when they hurt each other down in front of me, when they just cuss about each other to me, it HURTS. They just think I listen to them. They just think they can let it out to me because they always have been. but it hurts. and I'm seriously sick of it. but I do not want to tell them that it hurts. because I don't.

But things have been better than the last summer or the summer before. There's at least no physical action.

I just really wanted to put up this post SOMEHOW. I do not even know.

I just want to get out and be free. I feel so trapped and limited. POOP.

Journal on 5/19/2010

I'm here at a desk at Jungchul English school (this is where I work right now). It's been already about a week since I've started working here. I'm substituting for this Irish teacher named Joelen. Here dad passed away from heart attack. I feel so bad for here and pray that her family gets assurance from the Lord. But this opportunity for me to teach these kids English has been a blessing. I was actually worried before the summer began about how I would not be able to get a job. But here I am having almost a full-time job with no time to do anything else.. haha I've already learned a lot. It has been a great experience so far.

What did I learn and feel through this job? Hmm.. I saw and learned some sides of the real world. SOCIETY. It is not too bad. In fact, the other teachers here are GREAT! But I learned different kinds of responsibilities as an adult with a job. Also, relationship with co-workers is very, very important. And I feel like there are whole lot more but can't really think of anything. To do all that, I think that the first step is to have self-confidence. Without self-confidence, it is hard to survive from the world where peole trample on each other to go on to a high seat. The world has become a serious survival game, anyway. Well, I'm still observing, feeling, hearing, seeing, and experience, so I will get back with you on this issue later.

I've started reading "March off the Map" by this author named Han Bi ya. She was one of the members in World Vision Emergency Relief group. A great role model. One of my role models. This book is what I need. I'm so glad that I chose this book. It doesn't make me as if I get a call from God to go to Afghanistan or anything like that, but this book just makes me feel warm inside and tells me that I'm not alone.. somehow it does... Anyway, I highly recommend this book!

I've also started going to gym. I had a measurement and the result that I need to lose about 10 pounds of body fat. SHOCK. so hopefully, I will lose weight and be a healthy kid.

Lately, I feel really weak and imperfect. and I'm kind of frustrated in a way but also thankful for these feelings because it makes me lean on God even more. YES!

Online Biology course... SUCKS! I hate it. but I have to do it since it's a required course to graduate and I already registered for it. Dang it.

Hmm. I'm trying to ask God and do whatever He wants me to do in my fruture. but I keep being selfish and calculating what will be more beneficial for me than for Him and His people.

Anyway, my life is good so far. But what I need to do! do some MUSIC and some PHOTO. I can't believe I've put myself aside from those two lately. and also BLOGGING!

Love and blessings,
XOXO