Don't wanna go to sleep.

It is 1:30 a.m. right now and I'm extremely tired because I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night. I'm extremely sleepy and feeling my eyelids being so heavy. but I think I"m just a night owl. I do not want to go to sleep. I do not want to waste this night. I want to go to sleep but I don't. I do wanna close my eyes and shut myself from the world for a little bit but then I don't wanna close my eyes. I do not want to miss out on ANYTHING. LAME.

"He doesn't love me"... She doesn't realize how that hurts me as much as that hurts her. I mean, I understand both of them and I still love both of them sooooo much. But They don't seem to realize how they act hurts me even tho they don't intend to hurt me. When they are nice to me but just so cruel to each other, when they hurt each other down in front of me, when they just cuss about each other to me, it HURTS. They just think I listen to them. They just think they can let it out to me because they always have been. but it hurts. and I'm seriously sick of it. but I do not want to tell them that it hurts. because I don't.

But things have been better than the last summer or the summer before. There's at least no physical action.

I just really wanted to put up this post SOMEHOW. I do not even know.

I just want to get out and be free. I feel so trapped and limited. POOP.

Journal on 5/19/2010

I'm here at a desk at Jungchul English school (this is where I work right now). It's been already about a week since I've started working here. I'm substituting for this Irish teacher named Joelen. Here dad passed away from heart attack. I feel so bad for here and pray that her family gets assurance from the Lord. But this opportunity for me to teach these kids English has been a blessing. I was actually worried before the summer began about how I would not be able to get a job. But here I am having almost a full-time job with no time to do anything else.. haha I've already learned a lot. It has been a great experience so far.

What did I learn and feel through this job? Hmm.. I saw and learned some sides of the real world. SOCIETY. It is not too bad. In fact, the other teachers here are GREAT! But I learned different kinds of responsibilities as an adult with a job. Also, relationship with co-workers is very, very important. And I feel like there are whole lot more but can't really think of anything. To do all that, I think that the first step is to have self-confidence. Without self-confidence, it is hard to survive from the world where peole trample on each other to go on to a high seat. The world has become a serious survival game, anyway. Well, I'm still observing, feeling, hearing, seeing, and experience, so I will get back with you on this issue later.

I've started reading "March off the Map" by this author named Han Bi ya. She was one of the members in World Vision Emergency Relief group. A great role model. One of my role models. This book is what I need. I'm so glad that I chose this book. It doesn't make me as if I get a call from God to go to Afghanistan or anything like that, but this book just makes me feel warm inside and tells me that I'm not alone.. somehow it does... Anyway, I highly recommend this book!

I've also started going to gym. I had a measurement and the result that I need to lose about 10 pounds of body fat. SHOCK. so hopefully, I will lose weight and be a healthy kid.

Lately, I feel really weak and imperfect. and I'm kind of frustrated in a way but also thankful for these feelings because it makes me lean on God even more. YES!

Online Biology course... SUCKS! I hate it. but I have to do it since it's a required course to graduate and I already registered for it. Dang it.

Hmm. I'm trying to ask God and do whatever He wants me to do in my fruture. but I keep being selfish and calculating what will be more beneficial for me than for Him and His people.

Anyway, my life is good so far. But what I need to do! do some MUSIC and some PHOTO. I can't believe I've put myself aside from those two lately. and also BLOGGING!

Love and blessings,
XOXO

Rambling at airports

Here I am. Sitting at LR airport. Waiting on my 9:45 flight to Dallas. I was worried if the flight would take off this morning because the rain was just so heavy. But God helped me. I was obviously anxious because I had a severe stomachache. But God helped me. I just have anxious feelings right now because both asia and hailey couldn't go straight to Korea. They had to somehow stay somewhere overnight. I don't want that to happen to me...Well, actually, I could have some fun, I guess... but I just wanna fly to Korea asap so that I can see my parents. ;)

I am really pumped for this summer. because I have plan. I am going to get two jobs, taking online biology course, and working to be hot! I am going to swim, dance, and do yoga. I should be pretty firmed up! I am excited to have my birthday with my parents in four years.

But... I don't know.. what's wrong me? I am excited yet kind of anxious and afraid of what's going to happen. I don't want what happened last year to repeat again this year. I don't want to waste time sitting around the house like last year. I don't know... I'm going through this turmoil again... turmoil of "what's the point?" turmoil of uncertainity about EVERYTHING.

Gosh, there is seriously some problems with me. I think I have anxiety, slight depression, and anger issues. I've gotten out of shell in the beginnin gof the school year but now I got back into my shell. and I do not like it at all. at all. I wanna be wild, crazy, unpredictable, free-spirited, and just be a free bird, ya know? but I guess everyone is trapped in their own way. We can't buy everything we want. We can't eat everything we want. We can't have relationships with only those we like. We can't go to every places we want to visit. Life is so limited yet so limitless. This is soooo weird.

My freshman year of college. It was a new life. A new breath into something new. It was a new step of a whole new world. A new eye sight. Actually, it was an eye-opener. Now looking back, it was very different from the life I had back in high school. But it somehow just really sunk inside of me very naturally, quietly, and invisibly. and now it's just a part of who I am. and I quite enjoy it. haha

My freshman year of college.
It was AWESOME yet painful. It taught me a lot through painful lessons and stuff. I do not want to go back and do it again because I did my best and do not regret what I did and what I did not do. I probably made many, many mistakes. but I believe that those mistakes were actually what got me here, not what I've done right. I could've done something right throught something I've done wrong. that's what I believe.
I had many, many inner struggles. I had to go to counselings and stuff. but I do not regret or feel ahsamed of that I went to a therapist.
Thost struggles I had, the helps I found, and the faith I was desprate for inside of me drew me closer to God. They gave me a deeper insight in Christ's life.
I've made awesome relationships-friends and teachers and also my host paretns.
See, back in high school, all those rules that limited my life kind of blinded me and put a wall between me and my host parents, especially host dad.
I was still thankful and loved him but I sometimes got real irritated by the way he ruled me. but now I am kind of glad that I had curfews and I do not exactly why.
but am glad that I had rules that I followed and learned obedience through. It is just kind of water-flowing thing. Can't really explain so structurely(?) but It just happens and gets to where it is now.
and now, without much rules, I see more of him and I understand him more and I understand the rules of life more. It probably sounds dramatic but that's really how I feel.
and this year just really brought me and him together. and I thank the Lord for that.
My friends are awesome. They are different from each other. They are different from me. yet we get along pretty well. and we have fun.
We have something in common though. that we....... idk. we love music. we love each other. haha. whatever.

I just met a Korean lady here in the airport. She's going to Dallas, too. She lives in Chicago. She said she was visiting a friend in Cabot, AR. COOL. Haha well, through conversations, she ended up giving me a lecture on dating. She told me to date guys when I was still young in order to know how to control guys. Yes, ma’am!

Well I am gonna go before my cute laptop runs out of battery. Bye. :)

Okay, now I am in Japanese airport waiting on the LAST flight to Korea!!!!!!!! I am anxious and feeling kind of sick. I feel nauseated. I am excited, though. On the plane to here from Dallas, TX, I made a list of things to do in summer. There were a lot of things that I kind of NEED to get done rather than just want to do. So I will be quite busy! Which I do not mind at all because I’d much rather stay busy than waste time being lazy… Actually that was one of the things I was afraid of myself to do in case I go back to Korea. I am not going to say the things I made a list of on this post because I’ve already posted that before.

This summer is going to be great. I just know it. I just have to hope, pray, and believe it. It will be great. It won’t be the same and I won’t be the same after this summer because I will be much influenced by good things and good people. It will be greater than any other summers I’ve had in my entire life. I believe so.

God is so great. I would like to do a lot of volunteer works when I am home because here in Searcy, I do not have much time for it because I have so much to do (and I will be busier in my sophomore year..). I mean, that probably is an excuse but also, I do not have a car to drive so BAM! There’s the reasonable excuse. 

I do not wanna be so focused on myself. I do not want to worry about my face and just be grumpy the whole time just because I do not look like everyone else. I can still be beautiful with some acne. I can still be beautiful with some extra pounds on me. ONLY IF I have POSTIVIE ATTITUDE. It is all matter of attitude. Attitude changes the world 180 degrees. It flips the world and life completely upside down. That’s kind of why people’s mind is so significant, too. And that is why I love PSYCHOLOGY. Haha

I am wordy and tend to ramble a lot. See, I do not even have much said but I’ve already taken up two whole pages of Microsoft word.

Now it is 4:50 p.m. and my flight is at 6:20 p.m. I am kind of bored here but I do not really want to walk around and look at the duty free make-ups and cosmetics. (I’ve already bought some sweets for my grandparents and a skincare product for my mom.) I am tired and exhausted. And I am hungry. I was going to have some food but it is just too expensive here. A bowl of noodle is almost 9 dollars. Ridiculous. And I am assuming that the flight will feed us so I don’t really need to fill my stomach up right now, and even if I don’t get fed on the plane, I can have my first Korean meal tonight with my parents so it will all work out. I just feel so sickened. My eyes, nose, and the whole head are burning and hurting. Dang it! Hopefully, I will feel better when I see my dad’s face.

My mom is not coming because she has to work til late tonight. I do not mind at all. I am kind of glad that she chose work over me because I felt bad for a long time because I feel like my parents lay everything off for me, and I do not like that. I want them to live their life. I know, I am not really making sense right now but I am just kind of relieved that she chose to work tonight, not to come pick me and up and then have so much stuff loaded up on her. So my dad is coming and I hope that goes well… I mean, I love my dad but I am not really used to being with him alone a lot of times. I mean, I was used to it when I was young but ever since I kind of grew up and started having some my own personal abstract thoughts, I kind of stopped spending time with him. He was busy, too, so I do not wanna blame myself for all of it. So I just kind of hope that the ride home from the airport won’t be awkward… Pray for me.

I do not know why but it is really hot here in Japanese airport. It was freezing in the flight from Dallas to here. I am so sick of the big difference of weather or temperature.. Just sayin’. Oh crap, my foot is cramping………… Geeeeeez. I hate when it happens. Haha. Story of my life.
Okay, I am going to stop write because I am tired and I just wanna rest……….

Goodbye..
I will write over the summer, hopefully. But I will SEE you later in August… Farewell.

Summer Plan

Okay, this is really random post at 12:23 a.m. But I just wanna post it. Time is just the world's attempt to limit our actions. and I'm probably rambling..... haha

Anyway, so I would like to list my summer plan.

First, I am going to get jobs for summer. Yes, JOBS. I tried to work every summer I went back home (South Korea) but no place accepted me because I could work for only three months and also still a minor. But since now I'm officially an adult, I can get a real job. I think I am going to work as my parents' assistant for their children's therapy program or something like that at their clinic. I am quite excited for it because I'm also a psychology major who is extremely interested in people's minds. But it's not going to be enough so I am planning to get another job, and I do not really care what job that is as long as it is not deadly. Hey, no matter how crappy job I get, it is still a paying job. Other places are too cool to accept me, I guess.. haha so if I get two jobs and can manamge my life, I should be satisfied and happy. :)

Second, I am going to take online biology course. It will be tough, I know. because I am an anti-science person and also it will be hard to learn by myself without a teacher right beside me. But I really do not want to go to physical classroom settings and study biology. so I will do it, pass the course, and get credits. I can do it.

Third, I am going to do some physical activities. Like..... swimming and yoga? I would like to go to gym and just run and do some weights (dumbells, I mean. Not like 250 pounds weight lift..). I also would like to practice swimming and learn butterfly stroke so I can win intramural sports next year (I was quite embarrassed when I was pretty much the last one to get in at the swim meet). My mom wants to do yoga with me everynight. That should be interesting... Oh oh oh! I am goint to take Jazz Dance lessons! I do not quite know how that will go but I'm super excited. I like dancing and learning completely new thing will be fun. :)

Fourth, I am going to soak myself up with some music. I will play piano and practice guitar. I will write some songs. I am not really good at it but it makes me happy when I express my emotions through my notes that I come up with. I lose the track of time when I play muic. Guitar, I really need to practice and improve. I got too lazy with it. No, Jin. Don't let that happen!

Fifth, I will need to get some check ups at hospital. I need to check if my wisdom teeth are ready to be pulled out yet. They have been growing for about three years. Somehow, my teeth grew super fast (faster than average kids) but now my wisdom teeth are taking forever to grow. They are growing kind of sidways so I need to have surgery that will cut my gums and pull the roots out. Otherwise, they will mess up my teeth that I aligned with braces. But I can just pull the roots out because they may mess up the nerves in my gum. if they do mess them up, I won't be able to..... function very well. it will be a super, mega, ultra, giant sad day. Also, I am thinking about getting some mental test. I know it sounds kind of weird by mental test but I really do not know what else it will be called. I wanna know if there is a problem with me mentally. I know everyone has some sort of problems but I feel like I may have anxiety or a slight symptoms of PTSD. They kind of drive me crazy from time to time. and I would like to get some check up on it before i get too old and it gets too late to fix if needed to fix. Also, I need a check up on my stomach. It has been hurting all the time lately. I do not quite know.

Sixth, I am going to take a lot of pictures. I have made a powerpoint with pictures of my school to show my parents. I made a little electronic gallery or something. They liked it a lot and thought that I was a pretty good photographer and that I could improve my photography if I just try and keep practicing. and I also told them I may be able to work with the student publicantion as a photographer. so I think they may buy me a pretty good DSLR camera. That will be a dream coming true but I do not expect so much because I know it is kind of costly. But I have a little digital camera I got when I was 9th grade so I will take pictures with that, I guess.

Seventh, I am not quite sure if my parents will have so much time to hang out with me. But we are planning to go camping. It won't be like a tent camp since they are like... 50's now and my mom can't see too well. So I think we will go to a cabin and stuff. I am super excited. Going to beaches or cities with parents kind of gets old since I do not have any siblings to hang out with. But going to a peaceful place with parents and just resting and spending time with them will be good. :)

Eighth, I made a list of foods I want to cook for my parents. See, my parents' job is kind of complicated and difficult so they have so much to do for their job and their government that pays them. so they cannot eat all the 3 meals a day or what they eat are not too healthy or good. So since I'm their only daughter, I decided to make them a little bit happy by making them homemade food. I like to cook when I do it. The thing is... I just don't cook very much for some reason. so Wish me a good luck. :)

That is a long list. But I think I just kind of expressed my excitement for the summer out on this post. I am definitely excited to see my parents and friends. but I am kind of worried, too. I had some unpleasant things going on last summer so I am kind of afraid if they will happen again this year and I will waste the whole summer. I would hate myself, then.

Anyway, I shall go and study for finals, Ugh.

Just some let out

I am in college. Yes, I am.
College, according to the senior speeches I heard in chapel the past week, gives you education, great friendship, relationship with God, and identity of who you are. You need to do something spontaneous, crazy, stupid, and embarrassing. Why? because it's college. Yeah, it just sounds like colleges in movies. All you remember is probably cramming tests, laughing with people out of some stupid things you've done. and Yes, I agree that college is probably the last time period where you are allowed to be a little stupid free bird and do whatever you want. But that's not all. I feel like I'm missing something here.

I know I need education to do whatever I want to do. I need to take psychology classes to be able to listen and help people's wounded hearts. But I feel like I'm not learning like I'm supposed to do. College is a place to have fun, crazy memories. but it is also a place to get your education. probably the most important education in your career. but I feel like I'm just wasting money. I don't feel the sparks in whatever I'm learning. I want to feel it, you know? I am learning but I feel like what I'm learning is just waste. but then I do not know what I really wanna learn and need to learn. I did not pay thousands bucks and left my 50 year old parents with no other child but me in a small country on the complete opposite side of the world over the Pacific ocean just to sit in a room, stare at teachers reading their dear powerpoints, take notes, get assignements, fill out study guides, memorize them, take tests, and forget them all. I am so tired of going through the emotionless motions.

I know I am no better than anyone in the world. I know I'm still young and have a long way to go. I know I'm blind to many, many things in the world and the life. But I feel like so many people with hearts ignore their hearts. I feel like they just desire to have fun in their lives without sparks. I feel like they just wanna be all fine with everyone. I feel like they are so lukewarm and not challenging the world and the life with the strengths God has given them. They have hearts that are highly capable to have sparks that can change the world and make a difference in others' lives. They just don't know it or ignore it for the lukewarm happiness with the world. but I'm not really in a big place to say all that because I'm not good in that area at all either. I'm such a people pleaser so I hate to have any conflicts or arguments with people. but just sayin'.

I think I'm going through all this because I'm in college and still growing up and learning about life. I believe many others around me feel and go through this phase, too. Thanks to Allison, I feel better and feel stronger because I at least know that I have one friend who is standing beside me, understanding and believing in me.

Don't lose FAITH and HOPE.

What do you wanna do?

People do what they like to do. what they want to do.

Of course there are exceptions-like they do what they need to do as certain responsibilities regardless of their desire to do it. They do just out of courtesy because that is how the life sometimes goes.

But people still do what they like and when they do what they like, they seem so happy and at peace. They look as if they've got the whole world-and it is true. when you do what you wanna do at the moment, you are content and you feel like you don't need anything else at the moment.

Haley loves music so she plays guitar whenever she gets chance to. Grant, Haley's brother, loves playing Rugby so he's on Rugby team at his college and he's a devoted player. Mr. George loves motorcycle so he contantly works on his Harley and loves giving rides to people. Katie loves rockclimbing so she works at Zion to rockclimb for free even though she does not get paid. Even though they do things that are completely different. Their faces and hearts when they do those are the same: happy and content.

I was sitting in the front lawn few days ago, and this little kid who seemd to be about 10 years old maybe? came, opened his nice looking guitar case, and started playing guitar. He was actually really good. He didn't sing but he played many beautiful melodies. I looked at him for a while(which makes me a creeper), and I smiled without intention. My heart that was looking at the heart of the boy playing his guitar smiled because my heart just knew that the boy was happy doing what he wants to do under the big tree in the front lawn. I don't know but I just thought it was interesting how God put totally different interests and talents in so many different people yet gave the same satisfaction, peace, and appreciation in their hearts. Those feelings are so warm and intimate that those who are willing to probably can feel God.

I always liked nature but through Harding, I fell in love with green so much. I love grassy green, grass, and trees. It is extra beautiful and lovely when there's colorful flower in the middle of green leaves. I got to experience and appreciate the presence and existence of God more through the green nature, I think. and I am thankful for that.

Anyway,

Peace, Love, and Blessings,

Jin

What really makes difference?

April 8 was barefoot day held by Toms shoe brand. People in Harding campus walked around barefooted. Of course, not all of them, and in fact, not even half did. But some did. They sold Toms shoes also. However, with quite tight budget in my money pocket, I did not buy Toms shoes. I just walked around wtihout shows for awareness of the children in En Salvador who do not have shoes. and I thought it would make a difference SOMEHOW. I did not even think deeply how walking around the campus without shoes would make difference. I felt good about it because I was participating in an event that had a good cause.

and then I talked to my host dad about it a few days later. He asked me, "so how does walking around the campus barefooted make difference in the children's lives in En Salvador?" I said, "it makes me aware of it." then he said, "how does just being aware of it deal with the actual situation of reality in En Salvador?" and it hit me. Awareness is one of ways to deal and help for a cause but it is not ALL. Awareness is just starting point of dealing with real world crisis. To really help and deal with the crisis, we have to give them something. We have to PROVIDE. and now thinking about it, money was just some kind of excuse. I could have gotten some money together with other people, which would make me pay less than what 40 bucks? and then one of us could wear the shoes, or we could have donated to someone in need of shoes in the community. or I could have just donated some $ I had. It made me feel stupid. so blind, self-centered, and not insightful.

I am not trying to critize the event "Barefoot day" by Toms. I think it is great. It is not only to sell the shoes to college students, but also to make them aware of it and to make them make others aware of it. It is kind of all about being AWARE of it. and It is great. but it is just STARTING point of making a real difference. We have to step up and start dealing with it and caring abou it with the awareness we have in our hearts.