Dancing waters

Have you ever felt as if the waters in a fountain
are dancing just for you?
Each branches of trees moving back and forth by breeze
is waving just at you?
The sun is smiling its light on you just to keep your way bright?
The breeze is blowing at you just to keep you cool?
Everything is moving for you and to congratulate your moments?

Haha, yes, that happened to me today. It was one LOVELY day with warm sunshine and cool and soft breeze. I do not want to sound shallow but I think it was because I met Mr. Lousiana, the guy I was dying to meet. I still do not know his name or his year-and i still wish he is not a senior. But we talked for like 30 seconds? You might just laugh at me and I will accept all your mockings, smirkings, and laughters. I do not care. He was nice and gave the smile I could never forget. and yes he was short. but doesn't that make me a little more just to be interested in him? (cuz I'm like 5'2''-yeah, super dwarf short) But anyway, the 30-sec talk in the morning in replace of my speech class was real nice and totally made my day. Smile!

Everyone, peace out.

Struggle

On someone's blog, it said, "We struggle with ourselves(inner struggle), but we also struggle with others who struggle with themselves. Then we doubt, get angry, and blame ourselves for the struggles with others, and then we struggle with ourselves again".

I don't know why, but that just really hit me. Not because I wasn't aware of it, but because it is so true and I have not seen a statement that is as honest and obvious as this one. The statement describes a lot about me. Hmmmm..

Music cures

MUSIC
I always just listened to music but didn't actually play recently. I've been so busy and distracted by homeworks and tests.. (see what college does to you. it makes you a studying robot) but last night, I got frustrated with something that I can just get over by God's love. so I just started play guitar. I tried to make music with the lyrics I made long time ago. I played one way but couldn't play the same way the second time. It always turned out differently somehow. and then I played some Hillsong United and sang like crazy. I think I literally burst out and just sang my heart out. I didn't care if anyone in the house would hear me. I just wanted to let it out. I don't know what IT really is. but anyway. so as I played music, I definitely felt better. I felt refreshed inside of me from just crying my heart out. I felt more calm yet joyful from playing music. It is something you can't really analyze and dissect the reasons and causes of music. It just cure people's heart. It excites them. It makes EVERYTHING better.
Thanks, music.
I don't have a pic of guitar so I just put up one of piano. :)
Peace out.

Trust and Obey

I had a nice catch up with my friend Katie on Friday.
We talked about life and everything. Our talk was rather intimate and in-depth than just fun and floatting on the surface. Now it feels like we just let out things built up inside of us. It was real nice to talk to her and feel caught up with my relationship with her. We both are extremely busy so we haven't been able to keep in touch or hang out so much. I'm glad we hung. :)

Burning passion

Okay, so I don't know what's going on with me right now. I have no idea what God is putting into my heart and what he is trying to tell me. I wish I could just know but I just don't. I've been having this burning passion for missions, I guess? I thought I was ready to go out and just influence others' lives. I was ready. I wanted to go so bad. I've been praying about it so long. But it's just NOT WORKING. it's not going the way I want it to go.



So I've gotta just stop and think about it. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong and what is really important? Yeah... probably everyone but me sees the point in this whole thing. It's about God, not me. and I just wanted to go because I wanted to feel good about myself by going on mission trips. (but I really have passion for it though.) Because others go to different places and experience different things, I wanted to do that, too. I wanted to be experienced, too. but I guess I'm NOT READY. and I've just gotta wait on His timing, not mine. if I just have patience and wait on Him, He will use me in a great way later.



Honestly, I don't have it completely figured out yet. but I've learned to kind of let it go and just rest in God's arms not my own. but thinking about it, I'm quite excited about my life because I have absolutely NO IDEA where I will go, what I will do, whom I will meet. I have no idea about my future. that's the exciting part. it can be scarry but it's exciting and refreshing because I believe in God who leads me if I just trust in Him. I just wish He will use me to help people.



Amen?

Amen.

Busy, Cold, and Tired

I just got back from spring break. and I have so many tests, assignments, and other stuff to do. and on the top of all the school works, I have spring sing... I have practice everyday starting from this week since we begin our show in two weeks. It is fun but very time-consuming and exhausting. I got back to being busy buried by homeworks. The weather got cold all of sudden today. I was excited to greet warm, pretty spring. but I guess the weather was jealous of the beauty of spring. It's 12:45 a.m. Not too late for me, but considering that I have 7:30 class tomorrow morning, I probably should go to bed. I don't really have anything I want to say in particular. But I just felt like blogging RIGHT NOW.

Oh, I had a pointless, upsetting debate with this guy I met at lunch today. I don't even want to tell this long story, but mainly I got upset because he was trying to change our belief. He used bible passages to prove his belief, which I completely respected. But I got an impression that he think he's the only one that is right since he could quote some bible verses like snapping fingers. But he just wouldn't accept the differences of people's ways to live as a christian. I don't even know.. WHATEVER.

I think I need to go to bed..
oh wait, i need to remove my makeup first. ugh. i feel so lazy. haha.

Parents

Two days ago, I hurt my parents deeply.

I didn't mean to. but my foolishness and immaturity frustrated and hurt them greatly. I've been feeling pretty miserable since that night. I couldn't get over it and have been feeling extremely blue. I couldn't be myself and just got sick eventually. I sent an apology e-mail to my parents the night when the whole thing happened. They didn't reply for two days, and I was nervous, miserable, and really sorry. I felt like the worst child ever-especially since i'm the only child they've ever gotten. I guess it's pretty much a part of life-hurting from hurting parents and learning from it all. From the intense 30 minute conversation between me and my mom, I learned so much. and the lesson cost me a great pain.

but I wanna focus on parents on this post. so I hurt them and tried to apologize but didn't get reply for couple of days, which is not too long but still drove me crazy. and today, I got a reply from them. It was a long e-mail. I cannot say it all because this one e-mail contained so much love and sincerity-indescribable love and sincerity-and priceless lessons.

My heart still hurts. It feels like someone's electric shocking my heart. but I guess what i wanna say is that parents are loving and forgiving 'unconditionally'. and that reflects how God is unconditional to us. I just love them so much.

Start Over

I'm sick and tired of myself. I wanna start over.
I wanna wipe out all my thoughts and everything and just start over like a white canvas. I'm so tired of being lukewarm and going thru the motions. The cycle is almost sickening now. I'm not sure about a lot of things yet, but I wanna be sure about this one thing: it's not about me. it's all about God. And to be sure about this, I wanna remove everything that can possibly get in the way. I don't kno what's going on inside of me. I don't know what got into me. But I'm having a convulsion. I don't want to care about anything. Anything.

Like I've been told, I am going to stop this disaster going on inside of me, calm down, and ask God, "are you trying to tell me something? what are you trying to tell me through this burning inside of me?". I just need to chill out.

I go back to school tomorrow. I will look awful with swollen eyes. I cried too much tonight. Well.. at least I feel a little better. This knot that has been clogging my heart has been a little smaller. There's air going thru my heart that I can feel. I can breathe now.

Spring Break

It is almost over. I know, it is pretty tragic.
But I think it's just kinda bittersweet.
I'm still in need of resting and not studying.
I probably will be forever though.
and then on the other side, I can't wait to go back to school, see people,
and feel alive again.
I had a pretty good spring break though.
I slept in, rested, ate, rested, and ate... haha.
I actually studied, did some stuff, worked out, went shopping,
and tried to be a little productive!
and now on the ending edge of the spring break,
I think I made it pretty good for myself
and also think I could've made it better somehow I don't know..
Well, it was nice. so I'm THANKFUL.
so I guess I'm ready to go back to the world and work my butt off again.
oh and spring sing!!!!!!!!!! huge, huge, huge deal!
haha I'm really pumped about the show.. since I've put so much time, effort, and give up some chances to do stuff, I better do my best and make it pretty good. uh-huh!


and now here I am sitting here thinking what I will do
for the next spring break in 2011.
Pretty lame, huh?

Am I Weird?

You know, sometimes, you feel like you are the only one with the belief and the thoughts you have. You feel like you are wrong, but can't change it because that's what you think and believe. and you start doubting yourself and asking if you are the WEIRDO. I often feel that way.. in a lot of ways. some understand and some don't. I am not saying people just don't understand me because i'm all different and specil. But those that don't understand and don't even try to understand me really frustrate me and hurt me. Because some people just can't accept the differences of others and just have to pick oon the differences and critize them. I am not perfect, I know. But I just think it is ludicrous and yet sad how people can make others go crazy and have self-doubt by just being indifferent or critical about their own identity and characteristics. I don't really have a point. just sayin'.

My frist year in America

I always used to thought my life is boring.
but after telling some stories of my first year experience in America to my friends, I started thinking that I actually have stories to tell people and make them laugh. A lot of them actually happened in here in the USA, especially in my first year.
Okay, so here it goes:

1. my first host family LOVES cake. so after every dinner meal, they would have cake for dessert. and of course there was this little asian who liked cake but not to the point of having sugar rush every night. so I would eat the cake. Why? because they would give it to me. and one day, I just could not eat it, and my body was crying out, "please don't abuse me. is your host family more important than your own body?". It got to the point where I almost had to puke. but I didn't. I ate all the cake piece because I didn't want to offend them. Then I went to my room.... and CRIED.

2. my first day of school in America, I was not a good English speaker so everything was just so new and strange. I went to Family and Consumer Science class. I got a textbook for this class, and I opened it. On the first page of the book, there was a hand-drawn picture of ... 'peanut'. I was in SHOCK.

3. My first host family's house had whole bunch of cockroaches... They showed up and greeted me in living room, kitchen, dining room floor, my room, and bathtub. I think by the end of the year, I was like an expert at killing cockroaches. it's pretty gross.

4. They (you probably know by now who They are, ha.) had two kinds of hams for sandwich: round expensive ham and rectangle walmart-brand inexpensive ham. I was so excited to make a sandwich out of the round hams. But I was shunned. She (you know who She is) told me the round ham that's more expensive is for her only, and I could make sandwich out of the freaking walmart-brand rectangle hams. Screw the hams. I think I now know why I prefer turkey to ham.

5. It will be the last extraordinary story. It happened last year, actually. I am a Christian so I challanged myself to fast for three days for various purposes. so I fasted the first day, and it was bearable. felt pretty good about it. and I fasted the second day, I started starving. and I heard somewhere that I need to drink a bucket of salt water to cleanse my body and to give me some energy when I fast. so I like made a big bucket of salt water and tried to drink it all with a straw. I thought I was gonna die... I will fast again later but I don't know about salt water.

I have some good memories, of course, as well as weird memories. Good memories are way more, and that's why I don't really post the good memories. but when I have a real good memory later on, I will post it. :)

Just saying, I love America. It really gives me life.

Misunderstand

You know,
when you say something
and people just misunderstand you
in a way that you never meant?

I mean, that happens all the time, I think.
With everyone you interact,
it happens.
and it is quite frustrating.
because I feel bad because I feel like I hurt them.
and I also feel hurt because that's not what I meant.

Just all the meanings
and the understanding of the meanings.
Bleh.
haha.

Dying to meet

Have you had those times
that you wanna meet someone real bad,
but just don't have any natural chance to
other than just to walk up and start talking like a freak?

Yeah, I'm dying to meet someone.
Maybe it will pass after some time.
I don't want it to come again.
It will be another wound for me.
Maybe it will be a beautiful memory in my life...
that no one notices.
which is... pathetic.
pew.

Death Penalty

"To live wiht you is a death penalty.
It is the worst punishment ever, SOB."

I've heard that quote before.
I don't know what I wanted to post it.
I'm in a kind of dark mood, i guess?
haha

Wound

Wound.
Everyone has hurt someone and has been hurt by someone.
Everyone carries wound every day.
They all have different wounds.
You are not the only one.
When you are so hurt and lonely that you don't see any light or any escape,
think that JESUS had the BIGGEST wound ever.
and that was for YOU.
You are sill cared for.
and you are not the only one.
I'm here. :)

God Cares

We battle every single day with something.
I battle every single day with something.
Something God knows what.
But
God cares.
He cares even the smallest matters of yours.
GOD CARES.
Let's not forget that.

Without God, we just so weak and small.
We don't know when we will just be gone away from this world full of gravity.
We are living because of God.
We are given this blessings from God.
We are influencing each other because God called us to do.
We can do all things possible because of God's strength and hope for us.

Busy, busy, busy

O gosh.
I am so busy.
The past three weeks have been the crazies time of this spring semester.
With so much quiz, homeworks, papers, and tests loaded up
and just waiting for me to touch them......
Yummy.
But I should be thankful to even have all those works to do.
and I am actually thankful.
I would smile more if I wasn't a person that needs to sleep a lot.
but unfortunately, I'm such a SLEEPY HEAD.

But even in the time that we are extremely busy,
let's not turn away from God.
Let's rather turn toward God ans ask him for strength.