Allison, my host sister, came home last night. The house has, ever since, been a little bit more crowded and filled with more talks and laughters. Which is good. :) My host mom is now one happy camper with her favoritest daughter home. Not that she had been depressed and all blue, but I can tell how she is now talking with more excited tone. It is hard to explain but there's just this atmosphere of love that surrounds her. Love for her own child. You know, parents. I've never felt this way. Past three years I have been living in this house, I felt nothing about seeing parents getting excited about their child coming home from a blood-sucking college. But it feels different this time. I feel this surge of wanting to go home. Go home and see my parents. Thanksgivings, Christmases, and other holidays never really made me homesick. (I have been homesick before but not for the holiday reason) But this time, my emotions are going super peculiar. I don't even know how to explain. But anyway, it is good to see Allison! :)
We went to IHOP for breakfast this morning. On the way to ihop, it was raining. I normally get depressed and all grossed out. But today, this rainyday Wednesday, I felt good about rain. Who would've thought I would welcome rain? But this morning, I surely did. I enjoyed the sound of the rain. I enjoyed looking at the window the rain was dripping on. I enjoyed the gloom. I enjoyed the chill. I enjoyed it all. And then I thought, "Maybe I should move to London where it rains and is depressing a lot of time?" Hmmm..
Hey yo! I am at this coffee place at Harding called Midnight Oil. and I am sipping on this amazing drink called "cold cold ground". It is a shake with ground bean(?). It is so good: sweetness of ice cream with a slight bitterness of ground coffe bean. YESSSS!
Ughghghghghghggh, I am so unmotivated right now. I do not want to do my work. I do not want to do anything. All I want to do is drink coffee and sleep. and watch movies. and play piano. I am not that responsible, I guess. haha ;)
I am listening to "Clair De Lune" by Claude Debussy. What a beautiful song. It just comforts and relaxes my troubled mind. I wonder what Debussy was thinking or feeling when he wrote the song. I wonder what kind of life he had that inspired him to write such a great song. I tried to find the sheet music for this. I found one. and I looked at it. Oh boy, it looks a lot harder than it sounds. Geeeeez. ;)
My life has been pretty hectic. Ever since I wrote the last blog, visitation for social club (aka Christian sorority lol) and pledge week came and just devoured all my time. and then I was bombarded with all those tests and assignments. Yeah, pretty ordinary, though. My schedule looks ordinary but I am not sure if I feel ordinary. I mean, I am an ordinary person. shorter than average height and minority here in the US. but I am an ordinary girl with a heart that longs to find love. A heart that seeks something more than what the world seems to hold.
My feelings have been unusual-I can't quite describe it. I can't even say they are good or bad feelings. They are just wierd and ... weary. They are constantly nagging, feeding up on, and wearing me out. I am just hoping somewehre over the rainbow, way up high, there would be the light of hope that I have been crying out for. I am hoping for hope. Hoping to find hope. Because when I hope, it's more like crying out, begging, seeking, and craving to death. to death.
There is a blue bird of happiness named Jake. Jake is in a perfect environment. Good family, good friends, good God, and just a good environment that God has put him in. He does not have the filthy wealth that shows up on a piece of colorful magazine paper that Satan uses to lie to people. He does not have the beauty that would show up on a digital TV screen. but He is much blessed, loved, and cared by so many good souls. and even by God, he is just so loved. He does not deserve to complain about anything. Jake, however, is hungry for something. He is thirsty and hungry. He longs for something. He seeks for something that he can't quite figure out what it is. Everything seems blurry and uncomforting to him. Everything seems 50 degrees-not too hot or cold but just lukewarm. Jake feels empty. His heart is heavy but it's all empty that cold winter breeze goes right through it and makes his heart cold. His heart is burning hot but cold. He tries to fill it up. this empty hole, gap that is in him. Jake eats. He eats everything edible he sees. He drinks water from the river. He munches on the bread crumbs on the street. Jake just keeps eating and eating and eating. Then what. He explodes. Everything Jake drank and ate overwhelmed him. He was full. Too full that he could not hold anymore. Jake filled it up. He filled his emptiness in himself up. He filled it up too much that it exploded. Jake just lays on the edge of the street, in the cold winter air, bleeding to death and barely breathing. Jake takes the last breathe and his soul just flies away. There his heart lays on the street. Hot but cold. and empty.
You see, I am here in the room 1327 at the White County Medical Center in Searcy, Arkansas, United States of America. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. You know, looking at her, I think of my mom. Of course. Because I am such a mommy-girl that can’t get over her mom. I mentioned in my previous journal that my host mom has a face of love. So does my mom. Honestly, my mom has a face of love and pain-both physical and emotional pain in her life. She is also a preacher’s wife. A good one, I consider, because she really did everything she could for the church. She drove the bus for people to get picked up, cooked for lunch, cleaned the church, and led the children’s ministry all by herself. There was no one who stepped up to help her. Even my dad who was the preacher and her husband did not volunteer himself or others in the church to help her. Yes, bless her heart. But I believe she has an unbelievable amount of treasures in heaven stored under her name. She went through so much. I bet she gave others hard time, too, but she is rather child-spirited, dependent, and soft so she got emotionally hurt by others a lot. A LOT. You know people in today’s society. Just as rotten as ever. Always try to take advantage of others and seek their own benefits and gains but never really care for others. At least those my mom worked with were the kind. There are so much to say, I feel as if, about my mom. Now, she is diagnosed with glaucoma far developed and her retinas almost dead. I blame the stupid doctor who misdiagnosed her years ago but what will blame do? Nothing. It does not push the time back. It does nothing but resent. O I was going off the point. Anyway, looking at my host mom in pain in the hospital bed, I was reminded of my mom. Well, my mom is not in the hospital bed, first. And she does not have hoses all over her or through her. I do not know why. Well, I guess I do know why. I am extremely, hyper-sensitively aware of my mom’s pain and incredibly scared whether something will happen to her. She is going almost blind. Who knows when she will be completely blind and something will happen to her? I just am really scared for my mom. I’ve had so many nightmares about her in pain, going to ER, dying, or even getting beat up some men. Those are the indications that I am scared of my mom being in pain. And that may be the main reason I’ve decided to go home. It may be a mistake. I may be making emotional decision like others say. However, I just feel like this is the only and the last time for me. The only and the last time for what? I do not know. I do not know whether it is for me to be able to take care of my mom because I will be super busy after college trying to get into grad school and get a job. I do not know whether it is for me to just go to Korea as my home country. I do not know. But I just feel like it is either this time or never. I feel like I’ve got to go. Did God put this desire in my heart or what? I am not really sure, frankly. It is very hard to tell the difference between the desire of my own and the desire from God because they are both desires in my heart. But yesterday, I was trying to have some fellowship time with God, and I had encounter with God, that I can say for sure. He consoled me and told me that everything will go all right because He loves me. Satan tries to put me down because He loves me so much and Satan just can’t freakin’ stand that. And then, He said, “Jin, go home. Go home and be with your mom.” I do not think his desire for me to go home is not only to be with my mom but I feel as if he is giving me permission to use my mom as an excuse for me to go home because she is one of the reasons but the only one. I do not know what God will do with me in Korea now. Honestly, I may have worse depression. I may have worse relationship with my parents. I may lose my English. I may not have true friends like the ones I have here. I won’t have DGR in Korea for sure. But those may be worse situations can be also flipped to the other side and be may be better situations. But only in God’s purpose and plan. Only in His plan, everything works out and stays the same. I will continue to pray to God to use me and to give me answers to my questions. But right now, I feel like I am certain that God wants and permits me to go home and be with my parents. I want to go home. Because it is home where I have my parents. Because it is my home. Because home is where everyone wants to go.
I am here in the room 1327 at the While County Medical Center. Sitting on a wide-width chair with my left leg leaning on the arm rest. Right beside my host mom who had a 3 hour surgery on her colon this morning. Watching over her. Reminding her to press the button for pain-relief medication. Feeding her ice chips because that is ALL she can eat for right now. Hearing her snoring in sleep and then groaning in pain. With no makeup, hair not washed or combed, teeth not brushed, white hospital gown on, all the scary medical devices that light up and make beeping sounds, and with the hoses all over her, she still looks lovely. Well, maybe not really hot and glamorous, but she still looks good. When people have been loved in their life, you can generally tell by their faces. Especially the aged ones that have lived quite a life, have been through a lot, and have learned a lot. You can tell what kind of life they had by their faces. This woman who was born on June 6, 1959 has a face of love. When I look at her face, I just get peace in my mind. Her presence itself makes me comfortable. She has a face of love, serenity, peace, kindness, joy, grace, and humility of God. She is a preacher’s wife. A good preacher’s wife. There are some bad ones out there but she is one of the best ones. She is a soft and strong leader as well as her husband in the church. She loves, embraces, cares for, and shares God’s full love with her church family. But she protects and stands firmly for the church family through faith in God. She also stands firmly against the Satan’s ugly attempts to destroy the Lord’s temple through faith in God. She does it all through faith in God. As her host daughter who has lived with her for four good ole years, I can tell how much she loves and also is loved. She is the true example of the old saying that to be loved is to love. While I’ve been here trying to take care of her for about five hours, I have had people visit and leave messages, stay and just watch her even though she did not know of their presence, and make phone calls to check on her. People care about her. They are concerned about her. They LOVE her. I see the power of love here. It is what she has that has spread out to people she reached out to. It spreads out. It is contagious. Then it is magnetic. It compels. The love she sends out to people comes back to her. Well, she is not perfect though. She gets frustrated very easily. She is one of the most easily frustrated people I’ve seen in my life. However, she truly shows others who God is through her behavior. She represents God. She shines God’s light. She is one of the few, I’ve seen, with the most respectful, joyful, peaceful, graceful, loving, sharing, caring, intelligent, kind, generous, desirable, and adorable heart.
Hey yall! It has been FOREVER since I uploaded a post. Many things happened, I feel like. I have A LOT to say. but I can't really say it right now because - I am in the library and I feel like it will be forever once I start typing so I am just not going to even start. Heh. I just felt a great urge to put up a new post of whatever. So post of my life coming up!
Hola, amigos! I know I haven't updated my blog like forever. That is because: 1)I am butt lazy. 2)I can't stop once I start typing. 3)I do not remember what to write even though I feel as if I have tons to say... haha. I miss my friends back in the states so much.
The summer is closing to an end. I wish I had about two more weeks to see more people I want to see before I leave for another year. Two more weeks to spend more time with my family. All of us have been so busy with stuff that we hardly spend time together except for Sunday nights. Two more weeks to do more of what I want to do when I am here in Asian land. Just two more weeks.. but Time does not come back. It has no mercy. So I've gotta just suck it and move on. Heya!
This summer has been really busy for me. I worked full time about a month in the beginning and then I got stuck at home studying for this stupid Biology online class. So I was trapped til the beginning of August. and I'm trying to do as many things as possible for about half a month I have left. It is kind of wearing me out, you know? I'm always doing something somewhere with someone. I mean, I love moving around. I do not like just staying home and doing nothing. It makes me feel like a lazy, hopeless person. But it does tire me a little bit now. but it is okay. I have less than two weeks left. I will see as many people as possible. I will spend as much time with my family as possible. I will do as many things I want to do as possible. Now, things I want to do? Those are like: going to photography exhibitions, going to some cool places to take photos of, and buying stuff for the new semester, new life, and my friends. :)
Major changes that I've had this summer? I would say my body. I seriously got into workout plan to be more in shape. I lost some weight but gained some back. (Yeah, I'm a weak-willed person. :( ) and I'd been learning swimming from some people I met at the gym. Now I'm better at free stroke. Yay! Oh another major change: a major decision about my life. I still don't know how the decision I made will go. I do not know if it will stay the same or change. I just want to leave it up to God. I do not know what I need to do. I will just open my ears as big as possible and try to listen to what He says to me. Another major change (Yeah, now I think about it, there are some changes!): I let go of something that I'd been trying to fix. I should've known long time ago that I could not fix it. but now I realized it, I let it go and leave it as it flows. Last major change: I met a new friend that I will keep my relationship with for a long time. I feel like she is a true friend. She taught me so many precious life lessons. She is much older than me yet she treats me like a friend at her age. I am thankful to have met her because otherwise, my summer would have been more boring and lonesome.
I am ready to get back to school. I cannot say I want all those hard work again. I do not want to pull all-nighters to do homeworks or study for tests. They sicken me. But I need to do what I've gotta do, right? and I am ready to reunite with my good ole Harding friends. and I am also ready to see some relaxing green Harding campus. I heard sophomore year is the busiest time in college so I do not how more busy I will be than I was in freshman year. but I do hope to make some precious memories with my lovely friends this coming year. This coming year is kind of scary to me. I feel like I have such a short time to do so many things. It is a little overwhelming. but hey, because I realize how short of time I have left, I feel the true importance of time. I will not waste a second.
Okay, that seems enough. I will write some more when I can. Peace, Love, and Blessings,
I was sitting here thinking what to name this post for a minute or two.. and I could not decide. Nothing seemed to fit in this post. So I just named it Noname.. and Noname probably fits the best. Not because no other name fits but because it actually fits, My senses tell me.
So howdy, Ya'll? (Just to give you a southern shoutout) My summer on the other side of the world from the USA, in Korea, has been bipolar. But let's be positive here. It has been a good life. Life can't be always happy and full of laughter but it does not mean that it is a bad life. Life gets completed with a properly balanced combination of delightful laughters and sorrowful storms. and I have them pretty balanced in my life. Or one side a little heavier than the other. But it is okay because nothing can be perfect. Except God our father.
I'm trying to get back in my relationship with God lately. I've been very distracted by so many earthly things here and pushed myself away from God. (I'm sorry, God) and now I'm trying hard to get back to his face and make him smile at me. I've been going to a different church - way better one for me, actually - and trying to worship him with all my heart. and I've been trying to read the Bible every morning. I've been trying to pray every available second I get. I've been trying.. So hopefully, I will be reconnected to God.
I got a new baby! NIKON D3000!!! It is not the newest or the best camera but I like it. It is reasonably well functioning and attaching to its master, ME. So I shall go out in the nature and the real world to put some ignored by others but precious moments on a little monitor of my new Nikon D3000 babe. PICS COMING SOON.. I'm thinking about making a flickr. What do ya think? Tumblr hasn't been emotionally attaching to me for some reason I do not even know. I may just get rid of it. Bleh.
I want some juicy steak or real creamy pasta. I've become an American ... just with yellow skin.
I've been into some new things lately: my new camera babe, cool summer color nail polish, puzzle, shorts, learng English grammar, collage, and other things... Haha new interest is always good. I've been learning how to swim from these two guys I met at the gym. They are so good. I can swim but my shape is terrible so they are helping me fix my arm positions and breathing techniques and everything. FOR FREE!!! YAY, what are friends for? (giving swim lessons for free!)
I've been quite depressed with various issues lately. Especially this past weekend was dreadful to me. But now it's a whole new precious week God has given me. so I shall brush my sorrows, frustrations, and angers off of my shoulders and move on. I will smile and say, "It will all be all righty."
Love, Peace, and Blessings, Seize the Day, Jin the Asian
Tonight is rather lonesome.. more lonesome than other nights I've faced lately. Hmm. I do not want to say a lot today.
I want to be cheered up. I want to be pat on my back and said that it will all be all right. I want to be consoled. I want to be paid attention at. I want to be loved. I want to be free. I want to escape.
Things just happened tonight. Actually, they had been rather happening to happen a big time lately, and I had been thinking that it was just a routine thing but it really wasn't. I think it is moving somewhere and changing into something I cannot quite figure out yet. but I actually do hope that it is close to the end, no matter how good it will look as a result. I do not care if there is any consequence for me to deal with. I just want it to be over. Actually, it is not even my business. but when it is a business of someone you love so much, it becomes your business.
I have made a decision that I've been trying to compare the chocies, see which one will be more beneficial for me, and actually deny the choice I need to make. I do not want to broadcast it but since my followers are just really close friends, I am just going to announce it.
I am moving back to South Korea after my sophomore year in college. for my own good. and also to take care of my mom. Nothing is serious. I know God will take care of the situation and everything. Who knows what will or won't happen in my life? I may decide not to transfer by the end of my sophomore year. but for right now, I am. I may be more depressed, lonely, and miserable after I transfer and live here. but my feelings are not the focus right now. Being with and taking care of my loved ones is. I'm still dealing with this issue and I do not know when it will come to an end.
My life here in Korea in summer of 2010 has been quite busy. Actually really busy. I just have had so many things to do. My job and diet have been the biggest main focus of my life lately. and just little things are really blocking me from having my own time for summer. But it's okay, I'm satisfied. Oh man I haven't wrrite on my blog so long that I do not even know what story to begin with. Pew.
From the language school that I worked for a month, I met this 26 years old teacher, and we have become such good friends. She is somewhat different than me but then she is somewhat similar with me. She had so many things happened in her life that whatever comes out of her head and her heart is a life lesson to me. and we are so comfortable with each other regardless of 7 years of age difference. I can really talk to her about things in my life and feel such a comfort. She has met this guy lately and they are so precious. They neither try to rush the steps of making out nor hide their feelings. They are very honest with each other so they just express how much they like each other when they feel like expressing it. But anyway, I thank God for sending her in my life. I only have friends from middle here because I did not go to high school in my home country. so I've met my friends and hung out with them several times but it's not the same anymore. Now it's more like I'm visiting them or they are visiting me because I'm here for a short period of time. and it's just... not the same. so I've been kinda lonely and bored. I've been missing my friends at Harding like crazy. Like CRAZY. but my new friend has made my summer better so far. haha ;)
and... this someone made my summer kind of exciting yet troublesome. hard to explain yet. but are you getting my telepathy?
My family has been better and worse in some ways. but I've kind of let them go. I guess I should say I've let them go in my heart. I still love them but I'm going to stop trying to talk to them to make them understand each other. because it is almost impossible. They don't listen to me anymore. now I think that all these times that I tried to talk to them and make them understand and beg them to understand were just FOR ME. for me to feel better by trying. for me to feel more comfortable in my own home. It was actually me that didn't understand. I was just forcing them to understand each other when they actually did understand but didn't have to act the way I want them to act because they also got hearts. so I'm going to stop talking to them about their relationship because it is their business, not mine. but I'm going to keep striving to be a good daughter. I'm going to make some delicious meals for them because they hardly get a complete meal a day. and I'm going to manage the housekeeping and stuff.
When people leave each other in their hearts, it is done. that's what I knew for a long time but denied until now because I didn't want to believe. People deny so many things even when they know the truth. They deny the truth. because they are too afraid to admit it. they do not want to believe. and I was one of the cowards also.
I went to this Japanese' poet's photography exhibition last saturday. The theme was Communication with the Nature. The photos were not really artsy or skilled but I could see the nature. It was the real natural nature moved on a piece of big photo paper. There were 100 pictures of many countries with 9 different themes. and whenever I looked at each photos, I could feel the tempreture or breeze, I could smell the nature taken a photo of, I could hear the sounds of the people or just the nature, and I could see other things around the nature. It was really weird experience in a good way. I felt like I actually travelled around the countires. because the photos were so real that they made me like I was there when I was looking at the photos. It was a nice experience. :)
July is already here. Time flies. Really fast. I want to make the rest of my summer in Korea memorable, unforgettable, and precious.
Oh by the way, wish me a good luck on this Sunday!
I had a good night. I do not think I had as much fun lately as tonight. After my workout, my family went to a riverside. It was early summer so the night breeze was kind of chilly but felt REAL GOOOOOOOD! My mom's knee was hurting so my dad and I went on a walk along the riverside. (Dang, I should've taken a picture! if I had a camera!) He and I walked for about thirty minutes and talked about many, many things. mainly about life and.... stuff. It was such a refreshing time with cool, peaceful river breeze under street lights. I think it was more special than ever because I had a walk with my dad alone and we had a sincere talk. A heartfelt talk. And now, I feel like I understand him more. I don't know. It was weird in a good way. I think tonight was one of the best memories I will bring back to USA. :)
I wish I had a super power... like knowing what someone is feeling or thinking? Of course, it is all the fun to have relationships without knowing everything, I must agree. However, sometimes I just wish I knew what the other person is thinking so I know what to do, you know? Pew. Humans are manipulative. But what is more stupid is that I still go along with someone even when I know he/she is just playing me around. I don't know. Maybe I can play back, too. But is that right? Heck, what matters?
It is 6:13 a.m. in Korea, and I've been staying up ALL NIGHT. I tried to go to bed so hard but I just couldn't somehow. and it is driving me nuts because I will look awful today since I got no sleep. Pew. Whatever. Not being able to sleep actually sucks. I mean, I like not sleeping and enjoying the night, but it is quite annoying when I CAN'T go to bed. (oh man my head hurts. :() So I decided to make a new post! I see the windows getting brighter and brighter as the time goes by tonight. Yes, a whole new day is coming right at me. It will be a good day. First, I will go to church. and then, I will have lunch with my friend that has been such a good fella to me ever since 7th grade. She never lost connection with me. and then, I will babysit kids from 3-6. which means I won't be able to work out today because the gym closes at six. Oh well, I will just run outside tonight. Hopefully, I will be motivated to do that..... I'm so fickle that I don't even know how my mind is going to change. LAME.
Going to the gym has been pretty fun. I feel lighter and healthier. and since I go to work pretty much all day long, there's not much encounter with people. but I talk to the trainer in the gym and he is quite funny. but anyway, I shall be under 50kg before I go back to America! this is a declaration of war with MYSELF. It will be extremely tough. Oh man, my shoulders are extremely stiff right now. someone massage me!
I fell in love with this Korean band called C.N.BLUE. I do not know why they are called C.N.BLUE, but they are really good. and they are really CUTE. GEEEEEEEEZ. Haha :)
I walk outside, see things like places, people, and many other things outside, and then frame them in my mind. I just see how awesome they will look in photos. I just need a CAMERA, dang it! I need shooting time really bad. It is a must time for my life.
I'm in the middle of this huge struggle with my future right now. and that is deciding whether to transfer to Korean college after my sophomore year. I do not want to leave Harding because I have some of the most wonderful people I will never meet anywhere else, I have the most beautiful campus that gives me the biggest stress relief, I am in the best club ever DGR!, and I just think Harding is a pretty good place to be. BUT, I cannot stay so comfortable in America having my mom who can hardly see very much now alone in Korea. My dad doesn't help her anymore. She needs someone to hold onto when she goes to places. She needs someone otherwise I will fall every time she takes a step and who knows what is going to happen. I'm so worried about her. I feel like I should be there. It is killing me. but then, I do not want to live with my parents because that drives me crazy, too. Not just because of the normal annoying parents' control of their kids issue but because they make me extremely angry. I do not want to get on this so precisely. but they just build anger inside of me. Looking at them, I do not want to get married because I am afraid if I will be a wife like my mom and meet a husband like my dad. You know? I am so glad to be in America and I cannot even imagine what kind of person I would be now if I just stayed here all my life. but don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY PARENTS. They are great parents. They are just bad wife and husband materials. So..... I don't know what to do. I keep praying and asking God what He wants me to do because I want to do what He wants me to do no matter what that is going to cost. but His answer to this question is kind of slow, I guess.
but anyway... I do not want to post my family matters and everything but I just needed to let out. I want to be in love. (and that was random, ha)
It is 1:30 a.m. right now and I'm extremely tired because I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night. I'm extremely sleepy and feeling my eyelids being so heavy. but I think I"m just a night owl. I do not want to go to sleep. I do not want to waste this night. I want to go to sleep but I don't. I do wanna close my eyes and shut myself from the world for a little bit but then I don't wanna close my eyes. I do not want to miss out on ANYTHING. LAME.
"He doesn't love me"... She doesn't realize how that hurts me as much as that hurts her. I mean, I understand both of them and I still love both of them sooooo much. But They don't seem to realize how they act hurts me even tho they don't intend to hurt me. When they are nice to me but just so cruel to each other, when they hurt each other down in front of me, when they just cuss about each other to me, it HURTS. They just think I listen to them. They just think they can let it out to me because they always have been. but it hurts. and I'm seriously sick of it. but I do not want to tell them that it hurts. because I don't.
But things have been better than the last summer or the summer before. There's at least no physical action.
I just really wanted to put up this post SOMEHOW. I do not even know.
I just want to get out and be free. I feel so trapped and limited. POOP.
I'm here at a desk at Jungchul English school (this is where I work right now). It's been already about a week since I've started working here. I'm substituting for this Irish teacher named Joelen. Here dad passed away from heart attack. I feel so bad for here and pray that her family gets assurance from the Lord. But this opportunity for me to teach these kids English has been a blessing. I was actually worried before the summer began about how I would not be able to get a job. But here I am having almost a full-time job with no time to do anything else.. haha I've already learned a lot. It has been a great experience so far.
What did I learn and feel through this job? Hmm.. I saw and learned some sides of the real world. SOCIETY. It is not too bad. In fact, the other teachers here are GREAT! But I learned different kinds of responsibilities as an adult with a job. Also, relationship with co-workers is very, very important. And I feel like there are whole lot more but can't really think of anything. To do all that, I think that the first step is to have self-confidence. Without self-confidence, it is hard to survive from the world where peole trample on each other to go on to a high seat. The world has become a serious survival game, anyway. Well, I'm still observing, feeling, hearing, seeing, and experience, so I will get back with you on this issue later.
I've started reading "March off the Map" by this author named Han Bi ya. She was one of the members in World Vision Emergency Relief group. A great role model. One of my role models. This book is what I need. I'm so glad that I chose this book. It doesn't make me as if I get a call from God to go to Afghanistan or anything like that, but this book just makes me feel warm inside and tells me that I'm not alone.. somehow it does... Anyway, I highly recommend this book!
I've also started going to gym. I had a measurement and the result that I need to lose about 10 pounds of body fat. SHOCK. so hopefully, I will lose weight and be a healthy kid.
Lately, I feel really weak and imperfect. and I'm kind of frustrated in a way but also thankful for these feelings because it makes me lean on God even more. YES!
Online Biology course... SUCKS! I hate it. but I have to do it since it's a required course to graduate and I already registered for it. Dang it.
Hmm. I'm trying to ask God and do whatever He wants me to do in my fruture. but I keep being selfish and calculating what will be more beneficial for me than for Him and His people.
Anyway, my life is good so far. But what I need to do! do some MUSIC and some PHOTO. I can't believe I've put myself aside from those two lately. and also BLOGGING!
Here I am. Sitting at LR airport. Waiting on my 9:45 flight to Dallas. I was worried if the flight would take off this morning because the rain was just so heavy. But God helped me. I was obviously anxious because I had a severe stomachache. But God helped me. I just have anxious feelings right now because both asia and hailey couldn't go straight to Korea. They had to somehow stay somewhere overnight. I don't want that to happen to me...Well, actually, I could have some fun, I guess... but I just wanna fly to Korea asap so that I can see my parents. ;)
I am really pumped for this summer. because I have plan. I am going to get two jobs, taking online biology course, and working to be hot! I am going to swim, dance, and do yoga. I should be pretty firmed up! I am excited to have my birthday with my parents in four years.
But... I don't know.. what's wrong me? I am excited yet kind of anxious and afraid of what's going to happen. I don't want what happened last year to repeat again this year. I don't want to waste time sitting around the house like last year. I don't know... I'm going through this turmoil again... turmoil of "what's the point?" turmoil of uncertainity about EVERYTHING.
Gosh, there is seriously some problems with me. I think I have anxiety, slight depression, and anger issues. I've gotten out of shell in the beginnin gof the school year but now I got back into my shell. and I do not like it at all. at all. I wanna be wild, crazy, unpredictable, free-spirited, and just be a free bird, ya know? but I guess everyone is trapped in their own way. We can't buy everything we want. We can't eat everything we want. We can't have relationships with only those we like. We can't go to every places we want to visit. Life is so limited yet so limitless. This is soooo weird.
My freshman year of college. It was a new life. A new breath into something new. It was a new step of a whole new world. A new eye sight. Actually, it was an eye-opener. Now looking back, it was very different from the life I had back in high school. But it somehow just really sunk inside of me very naturally, quietly, and invisibly. and now it's just a part of who I am. and I quite enjoy it. haha
My freshman year of college.
It was AWESOME yet painful. It taught me a lot through painful lessons and stuff. I do not want to go back and do it again because I did my best and do not regret what I did and what I did not do. I probably made many, many mistakes. but I believe that those mistakes were actually what got me here, not what I've done right. I could've done something right throught something I've done wrong. that's what I believe.
I had many, many inner struggles. I had to go to counselings and stuff. but I do not regret or feel ahsamed of that I went to a therapist.
Thost struggles I had, the helps I found, and the faith I was desprate for inside of me drew me closer to God. They gave me a deeper insight in Christ's life.
I've made awesome relationships-friends and teachers and also my host paretns.
See, back in high school, all those rules that limited my life kind of blinded me and put a wall between me and my host parents, especially host dad.
I was still thankful and loved him but I sometimes got real irritated by the way he ruled me. but now I am kind of glad that I had curfews and I do not exactly why.
but am glad that I had rules that I followed and learned obedience through. It is just kind of water-flowing thing. Can't really explain so structurely(?) but It just happens and gets to where it is now.
and now, without much rules, I see more of him and I understand him more and I understand the rules of life more. It probably sounds dramatic but that's really how I feel.
and this year just really brought me and him together. and I thank the Lord for that.
My friends are awesome. They are different from each other. They are different from me. yet we get along pretty well. and we have fun.
We have something in common though. that we....... idk. we love music. we love each other. haha. whatever.
I just met a Korean lady here in the airport. She's going to Dallas, too. She lives in Chicago. She said she was visiting a friend in Cabot, AR. COOL. Haha well, through conversations, she ended up giving me a lecture on dating. She told me to date guys when I was still young in order to know how to control guys. Yes, ma’am!
Well I am gonna go before my cute laptop runs out of battery. Bye. :)
Okay, now I am in Japanese airport waiting on the LAST flight to Korea!!!!!!!! I am anxious and feeling kind of sick. I feel nauseated. I am excited, though. On the plane to here from Dallas, TX, I made a list of things to do in summer. There were a lot of things that I kind of NEED to get done rather than just want to do. So I will be quite busy! Which I do not mind at all because I’d much rather stay busy than waste time being lazy… Actually that was one of the things I was afraid of myself to do in case I go back to Korea. I am not going to say the things I made a list of on this post because I’ve already posted that before.
This summer is going to be great. I just know it. I just have to hope, pray, and believe it. It will be great. It won’t be the same and I won’t be the same after this summer because I will be much influenced by good things and good people. It will be greater than any other summers I’ve had in my entire life. I believe so.
God is so great. I would like to do a lot of volunteer works when I am home because here in Searcy, I do not have much time for it because I have so much to do (and I will be busier in my sophomore year..). I mean, that probably is an excuse but also, I do not have a car to drive so BAM! There’s the reasonable excuse.
I do not wanna be so focused on myself. I do not want to worry about my face and just be grumpy the whole time just because I do not look like everyone else. I can still be beautiful with some acne. I can still be beautiful with some extra pounds on me. ONLY IF I have POSTIVIE ATTITUDE. It is all matter of attitude. Attitude changes the world 180 degrees. It flips the world and life completely upside down. That’s kind of why people’s mind is so significant, too. And that is why I love PSYCHOLOGY. Haha
I am wordy and tend to ramble a lot. See, I do not even have much said but I’ve already taken up two whole pages of Microsoft word.
Now it is 4:50 p.m. and my flight is at 6:20 p.m. I am kind of bored here but I do not really want to walk around and look at the duty free make-ups and cosmetics. (I’ve already bought some sweets for my grandparents and a skincare product for my mom.) I am tired and exhausted. And I am hungry. I was going to have some food but it is just too expensive here. A bowl of noodle is almost 9 dollars. Ridiculous. And I am assuming that the flight will feed us so I don’t really need to fill my stomach up right now, and even if I don’t get fed on the plane, I can have my first Korean meal tonight with my parents so it will all work out. I just feel so sickened. My eyes, nose, and the whole head are burning and hurting. Dang it! Hopefully, I will feel better when I see my dad’s face.
My mom is not coming because she has to work til late tonight. I do not mind at all. I am kind of glad that she chose work over me because I felt bad for a long time because I feel like my parents lay everything off for me, and I do not like that. I want them to live their life. I know, I am not really making sense right now but I am just kind of relieved that she chose to work tonight, not to come pick me and up and then have so much stuff loaded up on her. So my dad is coming and I hope that goes well… I mean, I love my dad but I am not really used to being with him alone a lot of times. I mean, I was used to it when I was young but ever since I kind of grew up and started having some my own personal abstract thoughts, I kind of stopped spending time with him. He was busy, too, so I do not wanna blame myself for all of it. So I just kind of hope that the ride home from the airport won’t be awkward… Pray for me.
I do not know why but it is really hot here in Japanese airport. It was freezing in the flight from Dallas to here. I am so sick of the big difference of weather or temperature.. Just sayin’. Oh crap, my foot is cramping………… Geeeeeez. I hate when it happens. Haha. Story of my life.
Okay, I am going to stop write because I am tired and I just wanna rest……….
Goodbye..
I will write over the summer, hopefully. But I will SEE you later in August… Farewell.
Okay, this is really random post at 12:23 a.m. But I just wanna post it. Time is just the world's attempt to limit our actions. and I'm probably rambling..... haha
Anyway, so I would like to list my summer plan.
First, I am going to get jobs for summer. Yes, JOBS. I tried to work every summer I went back home (South Korea) but no place accepted me because I could work for only three months and also still a minor. But since now I'm officially an adult, I can get a real job. I think I am going to work as my parents' assistant for their children's therapy program or something like that at their clinic. I am quite excited for it because I'm also a psychology major who is extremely interested in people's minds. But it's not going to be enough so I am planning to get another job, and I do not really care what job that is as long as it is not deadly. Hey, no matter how crappy job I get, it is still a paying job. Other places are too cool to accept me, I guess.. haha so if I get two jobs and can manamge my life, I should be satisfied and happy. :)
Second, I am going to take online biology course. It will be tough, I know. because I am an anti-science person and also it will be hard to learn by myself without a teacher right beside me. But I really do not want to go to physical classroom settings and study biology. so I will do it, pass the course, and get credits. I can do it.
Third, I am going to do some physical activities. Like..... swimming and yoga? I would like to go to gym and just run and do some weights (dumbells, I mean. Not like 250 pounds weight lift..). I also would like to practice swimming and learn butterfly stroke so I can win intramural sports next year (I was quite embarrassed when I was pretty much the last one to get in at the swim meet). My mom wants to do yoga with me everynight. That should be interesting... Oh oh oh! I am goint to take Jazz Dance lessons! I do not quite know how that will go but I'm super excited. I like dancing and learning completely new thing will be fun. :)
Fourth, I am going to soak myself up with some music. I will play piano and practice guitar. I will write some songs. I am not really good at it but it makes me happy when I express my emotions through my notes that I come up with. I lose the track of time when I play muic. Guitar, I really need to practice and improve. I got too lazy with it. No, Jin. Don't let that happen!
Fifth, I will need to get some check ups at hospital. I need to check if my wisdom teeth are ready to be pulled out yet. They have been growing for about three years. Somehow, my teeth grew super fast (faster than average kids) but now my wisdom teeth are taking forever to grow. They are growing kind of sidways so I need to have surgery that will cut my gums and pull the roots out. Otherwise, they will mess up my teeth that I aligned with braces. But I can just pull the roots out because they may mess up the nerves in my gum. if they do mess them up, I won't be able to..... function very well. it will be a super, mega, ultra, giant sad day. Also, I am thinking about getting some mental test. I know it sounds kind of weird by mental test but I really do not know what else it will be called. I wanna know if there is a problem with me mentally. I know everyone has some sort of problems but I feel like I may have anxiety or a slight symptoms of PTSD. They kind of drive me crazy from time to time. and I would like to get some check up on it before i get too old and it gets too late to fix if needed to fix. Also, I need a check up on my stomach. It has been hurting all the time lately. I do not quite know.
Sixth, I am going to take a lot of pictures. I have made a powerpoint with pictures of my school to show my parents. I made a little electronic gallery or something. They liked it a lot and thought that I was a pretty good photographer and that I could improve my photography if I just try and keep practicing. and I also told them I may be able to work with the student publicantion as a photographer. so I think they may buy me a pretty good DSLR camera. That will be a dream coming true but I do not expect so much because I know it is kind of costly. But I have a little digital camera I got when I was 9th grade so I will take pictures with that, I guess.
Seventh, I am not quite sure if my parents will have so much time to hang out with me. But we are planning to go camping. It won't be like a tent camp since they are like... 50's now and my mom can't see too well. So I think we will go to a cabin and stuff. I am super excited. Going to beaches or cities with parents kind of gets old since I do not have any siblings to hang out with. But going to a peaceful place with parents and just resting and spending time with them will be good. :)
Eighth, I made a list of foods I want to cook for my parents. See, my parents' job is kind of complicated and difficult so they have so much to do for their job and their government that pays them. so they cannot eat all the 3 meals a day or what they eat are not too healthy or good. So since I'm their only daughter, I decided to make them a little bit happy by making them homemade food. I like to cook when I do it. The thing is... I just don't cook very much for some reason. so Wish me a good luck. :)
That is a long list. But I think I just kind of expressed my excitement for the summer out on this post. I am definitely excited to see my parents and friends. but I am kind of worried, too. I had some unpleasant things going on last summer so I am kind of afraid if they will happen again this year and I will waste the whole summer. I would hate myself, then.
I am in college. Yes, I am. College, according to the senior speeches I heard in chapel the past week, gives you education, great friendship, relationship with God, and identity of who you are. You need to do something spontaneous, crazy, stupid, and embarrassing. Why? because it's college. Yeah, it just sounds like colleges in movies. All you remember is probably cramming tests, laughing with people out of some stupid things you've done. and Yes, I agree that college is probably the last time period where you are allowed to be a little stupid free bird and do whatever you want. But that's not all. I feel like I'm missing something here.
I know I need education to do whatever I want to do. I need to take psychology classes to be able to listen and help people's wounded hearts. But I feel like I'm not learning like I'm supposed to do. College is a place to have fun, crazy memories. but it is also a place to get your education. probably the most important education in your career. but I feel like I'm just wasting money. I don't feel the sparks in whatever I'm learning. I want to feel it, you know? I am learning but I feel like what I'm learning is just waste. but then I do not know what I really wanna learn and need to learn. I did not pay thousands bucks and left my 50 year old parents with no other child but me in a small country on the complete opposite side of the world over the Pacific ocean just to sit in a room, stare at teachers reading their dear powerpoints, take notes, get assignements, fill out study guides, memorize them, take tests, and forget them all. I am so tired of going through the emotionless motions.
I know I am no better than anyone in the world. I know I'm still young and have a long way to go. I know I'm blind to many, many things in the world and the life. But I feel like so many people with hearts ignore their hearts. I feel like they just desire to have fun in their lives without sparks. I feel like they just wanna be all fine with everyone. I feel like they are so lukewarm and not challenging the world and the life with the strengths God has given them. They have hearts that are highly capable to have sparks that can change the world and make a difference in others' lives. They just don't know it or ignore it for the lukewarm happiness with the world. but I'm not really in a big place to say all that because I'm not good in that area at all either. I'm such a people pleaser so I hate to have any conflicts or arguments with people. but just sayin'.
I think I'm going through all this because I'm in college and still growing up and learning about life. I believe many others around me feel and go through this phase, too. Thanks to Allison, I feel better and feel stronger because I at least know that I have one friend who is standing beside me, understanding and believing in me.
People do what they like to do. what they want to do.
Of course there are exceptions-like they do what they need to do as certain responsibilities regardless of their desire to do it. They do just out of courtesy because that is how the life sometimes goes.
But people still do what they like and when they do what they like, they seem so happy and at peace. They look as if they've got the whole world-and it is true. when you do what you wanna do at the moment, you are content and you feel like you don't need anything else at the moment.
Haley loves music so she plays guitar whenever she gets chance to. Grant, Haley's brother, loves playing Rugby so he's on Rugby team at his college and he's a devoted player. Mr. George loves motorcycle so he contantly works on his Harley and loves giving rides to people. Katie loves rockclimbing so she works at Zion to rockclimb for free even though she does not get paid. Even though they do things that are completely different. Their faces and hearts when they do those are the same: happy and content.
I was sitting in the front lawn few days ago, and this little kid who seemd to be about 10 years old maybe? came, opened his nice looking guitar case, and started playing guitar. He was actually really good. He didn't sing but he played many beautiful melodies. I looked at him for a while(which makes me a creeper), and I smiled without intention. My heart that was looking at the heart of the boy playing his guitar smiled because my heart just knew that the boy was happy doing what he wants to do under the big tree in the front lawn. I don't know but I just thought it was interesting how God put totally different interests and talents in so many different people yet gave the same satisfaction, peace, and appreciation in their hearts. Those feelings are so warm and intimate that those who are willing to probably can feel God.
I always liked nature but through Harding, I fell in love with green so much. I love grassy green, grass, and trees. It is extra beautiful and lovely when there's colorful flower in the middle of green leaves. I got to experience and appreciate the presence and existence of God more through the green nature, I think. and I am thankful for that.
April 8 was barefoot day held by Toms shoe brand. People in Harding campus walked around barefooted. Of course, not all of them, and in fact, not even half did. But some did. They sold Toms shoes also. However, with quite tight budget in my money pocket, I did not buy Toms shoes. I just walked around wtihout shows for awareness of the children in En Salvador who do not have shoes. and I thought it would make a difference SOMEHOW. I did not even think deeply how walking around the campus without shoes would make difference. I felt good about it because I was participating in an event that had a good cause.
and then I talked to my host dad about it a few days later. He asked me, "so how does walking around the campus barefooted make difference in the children's lives in En Salvador?" I said, "it makes me aware of it." then he said, "how does just being aware of it deal with the actual situation of reality in En Salvador?" and it hit me. Awareness is one of ways to deal and help for a cause but it is not ALL. Awareness is just starting point of dealing with real world crisis. To really help and deal with the crisis, we have to give them something. We have to PROVIDE. and now thinking about it, money was just some kind of excuse. I could have gotten some money together with other people, which would make me pay less than what 40 bucks? and then one of us could wear the shoes, or we could have donated to someone in need of shoes in the community. or I could have just donated some $ I had. It made me feel stupid. so blind, self-centered, and not insightful.
I am not trying to critize the event "Barefoot day" by Toms. I think it is great. It is not only to sell the shoes to college students, but also to make them aware of it and to make them make others aware of it. It is kind of all about being AWARE of it. and It is great. but it is just STARTING point of making a real difference. We have to step up and start dealing with it and caring abou it with the awareness we have in our hearts.
Have you ever felt as if the waters in a fountain are dancing just for you? Each branches of trees moving back and forth by breeze is waving just at you? The sun is smiling its light on you just to keep your way bright? The breeze is blowing at you just to keep you cool? Everything is moving for you and to congratulate your moments?
Haha, yes, that happened to me today. It was one LOVELY day with warm sunshine and cool and soft breeze. I do not want to sound shallow but I think it was because I met Mr. Lousiana, the guy I was dying to meet. I still do not know his name or his year-and i still wish he is not a senior. But we talked for like 30 seconds? You might just laugh at me and I will accept all your mockings, smirkings, and laughters. I do not care. He was nice and gave the smile I could never forget. and yes he was short. but doesn't that make me a little more just to be interested in him? (cuz I'm like 5'2''-yeah, super dwarf short) But anyway, the 30-sec talk in the morning in replace of my speech class was real nice and totally made my day. Smile!
On someone's blog, it said, "We struggle with ourselves(inner struggle), but we also struggle with others who struggle with themselves. Then we doubt, get angry, and blame ourselves for the struggles with others, and then we struggle with ourselves again".
I don't know why, but that just really hit me. Not because I wasn't aware of it, but because it is so true and I have not seen a statement that is as honest and obvious as this one. The statement describes a lot about me. Hmmmm..
MUSIC I always just listened to music but didn't actually play recently. I've been so busy and distracted by homeworks and tests.. (see what college does to you. it makes you a studying robot) but last night, I got frustrated with something that I can just get over by God's love. so I just started play guitar. I tried to make music with the lyrics I made long time ago. I played one way but couldn't play the same way the second time. It always turned out differently somehow. and then I played some Hillsong United and sang like crazy. I think I literally burst out and just sang my heart out. I didn't care if anyone in the house would hear me. I just wanted to let it out. I don't know what IT really is. but anyway. so as I played music, I definitely felt better. I felt refreshed inside of me from just crying my heart out. I felt more calm yet joyful from playing music. It is something you can't really analyze and dissect the reasons and causes of music. It just cure people's heart. It excites them. It makes EVERYTHING better. Thanks, music. I don't have a pic of guitar so I just put up one of piano. :) Peace out.
I had a nice catch up with my friend Katie on Friday. We talked about life and everything. Our talk was rather intimate and in-depth than just fun and floatting on the surface. Now it feels like we just let out things built up inside of us. It was real nice to talk to her and feel caught up with my relationship with her. We both are extremely busy so we haven't been able to keep in touch or hang out so much. I'm glad we hung. :)
Okay, so I don't know what's going on with me right now. I have no idea what God is putting into my heart and what he is trying to tell me. I wish I could just know but I just don't. I've been having this burning passion for missions, I guess? I thought I was ready to go out and just influence others' lives. I was ready. I wanted to go so bad. I've been praying about it so long. But it's just NOT WORKING. it's not going the way I want it to go.
So I've gotta just stop and think about it. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong and what is really important? Yeah... probably everyone but me sees the point in this whole thing. It's about God, not me. and I just wanted to go because I wanted to feel good about myself by going on mission trips. (but I really have passion for it though.) Because others go to different places and experience different things, I wanted to do that, too. I wanted to be experienced, too. but I guess I'm NOT READY. and I've just gotta wait on His timing, not mine. if I just have patience and wait on Him, He will use me in a great way later.
Honestly, I don't have it completely figured out yet. but I've learned to kind of let it go and just rest in God's arms not my own. but thinking about it, I'm quite excited about my life because I have absolutely NO IDEA where I will go, what I will do, whom I will meet. I have no idea about my future. that's the exciting part. it can be scarry but it's exciting and refreshing because I believe in God who leads me if I just trust in Him. I just wish He will use me to help people.
I just got back from spring break. and I have so many tests, assignments, and other stuff to do. and on the top of all the school works, I have spring sing... I have practice everyday starting from this week since we begin our show in two weeks. It is fun but very time-consuming and exhausting. I got back to being busy buried by homeworks. The weather got cold all of sudden today. I was excited to greet warm, pretty spring. but I guess the weather was jealous of the beauty of spring. It's 12:45 a.m. Not too late for me, but considering that I have 7:30 class tomorrow morning, I probably should go to bed. I don't really have anything I want to say in particular. But I just felt like blogging RIGHT NOW.
Oh, I had a pointless, upsetting debate with this guy I met at lunch today. I don't even want to tell this long story, but mainly I got upset because he was trying to change our belief. He used bible passages to prove his belief, which I completely respected. But I got an impression that he think he's the only one that is right since he could quote some bible verses like snapping fingers. But he just wouldn't accept the differences of people's ways to live as a christian. I don't even know.. WHATEVER.
I think I need to go to bed.. oh wait, i need to remove my makeup first. ugh. i feel so lazy. haha.
I didn't mean to. but my foolishness and immaturity frustrated and hurt them greatly. I've been feeling pretty miserable since that night. I couldn't get over it and have been feeling extremely blue. I couldn't be myself and just got sick eventually. I sent an apology e-mail to my parents the night when the whole thing happened. They didn't reply for two days, and I was nervous, miserable, and really sorry. I felt like the worst child ever-especially since i'm the only child they've ever gotten. I guess it's pretty much a part of life-hurting from hurting parents and learning from it all. From the intense 30 minute conversation between me and my mom, I learned so much. and the lesson cost me a great pain.
but I wanna focus on parents on this post. so I hurt them and tried to apologize but didn't get reply for couple of days, which is not too long but still drove me crazy. and today, I got a reply from them. It was a long e-mail. I cannot say it all because this one e-mail contained so much love and sincerity-indescribable love and sincerity-and priceless lessons.
My heart still hurts. It feels like someone's electric shocking my heart. but I guess what i wanna say is that parents are loving and forgiving 'unconditionally'. and that reflects how God is unconditional to us. I just love them so much.
I'm sick and tired of myself. I wanna start over. I wanna wipe out all my thoughts and everything and just start over like a white canvas. I'm so tired of being lukewarm and going thru the motions. The cycle is almost sickening now. I'm not sure about a lot of things yet, but I wanna be sure about this one thing: it's not about me. it's all about God. And to be sure about this, I wanna remove everything that can possibly get in the way. I don't kno what's going on inside of me. I don't know what got into me. But I'm having a convulsion. I don't want to care about anything. Anything.
Like I've been told, I am going to stop this disaster going on inside of me, calm down, and ask God, "are you trying to tell me something? what are you trying to tell me through this burning inside of me?". I just need to chill out.
I go back to school tomorrow. I will look awful with swollen eyes. I cried too much tonight. Well.. at least I feel a little better. This knot that has been clogging my heart has been a little smaller. There's air going thru my heart that I can feel. I can breathe now.
It is almost over. I know, it is pretty tragic. But I think it's just kinda bittersweet. I'm still in need of resting and not studying. I probably will be forever though. and then on the other side, I can't wait to go back to school, see people, and feel alive again. I had a pretty good spring break though. I slept in, rested, ate, rested, and ate... haha. I actually studied, did some stuff, worked out, went shopping, and tried to be a little productive! and now on the ending edge of the spring break, I think I made it pretty good for myself and also think I could've made it better somehow I don't know.. Well, it was nice. so I'm THANKFUL. so I guess I'm ready to go back to the world and work my butt off again. oh and spring sing!!!!!!!!!! huge, huge, huge deal! haha I'm really pumped about the show.. since I've put so much time, effort, and give up some chances to do stuff, I better do my best and make it pretty good. uh-huh!
and now here I am sitting here thinking what I will do for the next spring break in 2011. Pretty lame, huh?
You know, sometimes, you feel like you are the only one with the belief and the thoughts you have. You feel like you are wrong, but can't change it because that's what you think and believe. and you start doubting yourself and asking if you are the WEIRDO. I often feel that way.. in a lot of ways. some understand and some don't. I am not saying people just don't understand me because i'm all different and specil. But those that don't understand and don't even try to understand me really frustrate me and hurt me. Because some people just can't accept the differences of others and just have to pick oon the differences and critize them. I am not perfect, I know. But I just think it is ludicrous and yet sad how people can make others go crazy and have self-doubt by just being indifferent or critical about their own identity and characteristics. I don't really have a point. just sayin'.
I always used to thought my life is boring. but after telling some stories of my first year experience in America to my friends, I started thinking that I actually have stories to tell people and make them laugh. A lot of them actually happened in here in the USA, especially in my first year. Okay, so here it goes:
1. my first host family LOVES cake. so after every dinner meal, they would have cake for dessert. and of course there was this little asian who liked cake but not to the point of having sugar rush every night. so I would eat the cake. Why? because they would give it to me. and one day, I just could not eat it, and my body was crying out, "please don't abuse me. is your host family more important than your own body?". It got to the point where I almost had to puke. but I didn't. I ate all the cake piece because I didn't want to offend them. Then I went to my room.... and CRIED.
2. my first day of school in America, I was not a good English speaker so everything was just so new and strange. I went to Family and Consumer Science class. I got a textbook for this class, and I opened it. On the first page of the book, there was a hand-drawn picture of ... 'peanut'. I was in SHOCK.
3. My first host family's house had whole bunch of cockroaches... They showed up and greeted me in living room, kitchen, dining room floor, my room, and bathtub. I think by the end of the year, I was like an expert at killing cockroaches. it's pretty gross.
4. They (you probably know by now who They are, ha.) had two kinds of hams for sandwich: round expensive ham and rectangle walmart-brand inexpensive ham. I was so excited to make a sandwich out of the round hams. But I was shunned. She (you know who She is) told me the round ham that's more expensive is for her only, and I could make sandwich out of the freaking walmart-brand rectangle hams. Screw the hams. I think I now know why I prefer turkey to ham.
5. It will be the last extraordinary story. It happened last year, actually. I am a Christian so I challanged myself to fast for three days for various purposes. so I fasted the first day, and it was bearable. felt pretty good about it. and I fasted the second day, I started starving. and I heard somewhere that I need to drink a bucket of salt water to cleanse my body and to give me some energy when I fast. so I like made a big bucket of salt water and tried to drink it all with a straw. I thought I was gonna die... I will fast again later but I don't know about salt water.
I have some good memories, of course, as well as weird memories. Good memories are way more, and that's why I don't really post the good memories. but when I have a real good memory later on, I will post it. :)
Just saying, I love America. It really gives me life.
You know, when you say something and people just misunderstand you in a way that you never meant?
I mean, that happens all the time, I think. With everyone you interact, it happens. and it is quite frustrating. because I feel bad because I feel like I hurt them. and I also feel hurt because that's not what I meant.
Just all the meanings and the understanding of the meanings. Bleh. haha.
Have you had those times that you wanna meet someone real bad, but just don't have any natural chance to other than just to walk up and start talking like a freak?
Yeah, I'm dying to meet someone. Maybe it will pass after some time. I don't want it to come again. It will be another wound for me. Maybe it will be a beautiful memory in my life... that no one notices. which is... pathetic. pew.
Wound. Everyone has hurt someone and has been hurt by someone. Everyone carries wound every day. They all have different wounds. You are not the only one. When you are so hurt and lonely that you don't see any light or any escape, think that JESUS had the BIGGEST wound ever. and that was for YOU. You are sill cared for. and you are not the only one. I'm here. :)
We battle every single day with something. I battle every single day with something. Something God knows what. But God cares. He cares even the smallest matters of yours. GOD CARES. Let's not forget that.
Without God, we just so weak and small. We don't know when we will just be gone away from this world full of gravity. We are living because of God. We are given this blessings from God. We are influencing each other because God called us to do. We can do all things possible because of God's strength and hope for us.
O gosh. I am so busy. The past three weeks have been the crazies time of this spring semester. With so much quiz, homeworks, papers, and tests loaded up and just waiting for me to touch them...... Yummy. But I should be thankful to even have all those works to do. and I am actually thankful. I would smile more if I wasn't a person that needs to sleep a lot. but unfortunately, I'm such a SLEEPY HEAD.
But even in the time that we are extremely busy, let's not turn away from God. Let's rather turn toward God ans ask him for strength.
